Pray Happy Properous New Year

Time to redirect my energy into a more fulfilling life. Not an empty financial one. However it may be quite material, superficial and risky. But without that I'll continue to troll the streets at night as prey for the fallen. Changes on the social scene means nothing will go back to what it was and it will be a miracle if much any relationships outlast this. Lately I'm more worried about my family in the U.S. more than I am for myself, ridiculously so. To pass into the past beyond memory promotes a future present. sign

Wing and a prayer

Well, I'm grounded. Three cheers for stupid. That damn card. Ran it up and exhausted my play money for the next couple of months. I will be out of the picture for the winter. I wonder how I'll fair. I think I can focus on some reading. Or cleaning that room getting rid of things and organizing what little remaining in my life. The amount of money wasted was worth going on a trip somewhere or a nice purchase. Fleeting fun not forever frenzy. Selfish inconsiderate short sighted damage. Hell to pay.

Company Party

Will go to an unofficial company party tonight. It will be a bit angst driven since my wife will join me. The last time I went with someone was my ex-girlfriend which was a major scandal. It is taking a lot of courage to show up with her, and I imagine she'll be the center of attention. It may be a bit ridiculous on my behalf, or should I say better half. It will be nice for her to meet many of the people, and show up together in public, even though we never show up in private. Who knows, maybe it will spur some good karma that I need to make dig myself out of this hole.

This autumn, my finances have gone to hell, no fault but my own. Tomorrow I will know by how much.

Borderline

Things are lining up, but not perfect. I took a month off from the gym. A couple of dog bones are being thrown my way, like a small bonus and pay raise. Yet still on the heels of my recent impulsive breakdown. What followed was more time with my wish it were my ex-girlfriend. And guess what, she rocked me. I came three times back to back. Didn't even know that was possible. Funny she said, you see, there is nothing wrong with you. I totally agreed with her. Lately, the wind makes me hard, and I'm taking vitamins, ammo and gunpowder. Leading into the next few months, I think I may be a lot confident. A few workouts at the gym to channel my energy and save a bit of money, well, I might be really ready for whatever.

Might as well face it I'm looking for love

Weird. I'm bored. I have someone who likes me a lot. But it appears vain and manipulated. Totally strings attached. I realize that I'll have to be really serious about not getting involved any further. No matter how desperate and avoid entertaining a dangerous liaison. That being said, I feel that the horizon will bring someone who will rescue me from this petty drama. There is something wrong with what I've done this time, and I know it won't get much better next time. This post makes no sense, just a placesetter, and will report something positive in the future.

Broken and worried about it

Alas a week has passed. A night of major angst, and regret. Since then my spirit sank, my wallet empty, and health has suffered. This feels like the big one. Big enough for me to take steps to find out what is wrong with me. I'm afraid to know. But the point is right now, something feels extremely wrong. The autumn wind feels like it has snuffed out the last of my youth, but I'm the one who failed to get indoors. Like, I'm never going to feel young again. I just got old. But it feels like I could have simply died.

ML: This Sh*t works

Michael Lutin 10/11 and 10/13/2010

1. ...horoscope drawn for 11 October 2010. It is an astrological picture of the positions of the planets at dawn in New York City. You can see the Sun (the circle with the dot in the center) on the left just about to rise on the eastern horizon (contrary to traditional maps).

Now let's be real. How could everybody in the world be affected in so similar a way that the Daily Fix makes such profound and universal sense? Each person is living a different life with very personal circumstances and relationships. There are, however, great planetary waves that sweep across the whole world, which affect each person in his or her own private, deeply moving way, and yet feel strangely similar and connected.  

Take the Venus retrograde, for example. Venus rules your aesthetic- who and what you find beautiful and attractive- and all the people and things you like to surround yourself with to feel comfortable, prosperous, and fulfilled. Venus usually moves from zodiac sign to zodiac sign about every three weeks, except for right now when it has gone retrograde in the sign of Scorpio and will be in that sign until the first week of January 2011.

Maybe that's why people are attracted to Scorpios right now, although with Venus retrograde, Scorpios themselves do not feel it and are having a tough time acknowledging, receiving, and reciprocating. But for everybody, all of us are seeking contacts and relationships from the past. Venus is looking backward, visiting past passions, possessions and obsessions.

Why obsessions? When Venus is in Scorpio attractions are intense, mainly because Scorpio IS passion. It's also the sign of emotional hunger and incessant yearning, and maybe that's why so many artists have Scorpio prominent in their charts. The urge to procreate and the urge to create are one.

Scorpio is not (as some people like to think) the sign of murder, mayhem, and the Mob. They are sweet, affectionate and intensely loyal, but if they get one whiff of betrayal, DON'T DRINK THE TEA.

With Venus in Scorpio there is always some kind of taboo involved so you can usually expect complicated and triangulating relationships with at least three people trying to fit into one double bed.  

We mention the Venus transit now since the retrograde is currently occurring. Because we are all passing through the month of Libra, Venus is even more important in our daily lives, because Venus is the planet that rules the sign of Libra.

As the Earth turns in twenty-four hours, just like the Sun and Moon, Venus will rise in the east, culminate overhead and set in the west at different times of the day, naturally depending on where you happen to be on the Earth. That position tells us exactly in what area of your life the Venus retrograde will affect you–finance, career, health, or your love life.

It's infinitely complex and takes probably lifetimes to interpret.

But to understand why and how?

Big mystery.

Electromagnetic vibrations?

Synchronicity of mechanical astrophysical motions and human behavior?

Here's a thought:

The Solar System is one gigantic organism, completely connected to every particle in the system, fully alive–alive in a cosmic sense, beating to rhythm and in a constant motion that is akin to breathing. Every atom, in the Solar System (and probably everywhere else, too) is part of and contributes to this great, enormous organism, which embodies the Force and Growth of Cosmic Consciousness for all living beings on all worlds.

Your little horoscope is your part, your contribution to the motion and rhythm of that giant whirling. However you think and what ever you do adds to the sum of all parts. The more you know yourself and are aware and awake to your thoughts and actions, the better everyone else's life will be everywhere.

Of course we're making that up because we can't really say for sure. I think it's true. Who started all that and why? Nobody can say for sure.

But don't think for one second that you can just sit around with your eyes closed, thinking great thoughts. You still have to make your car payments, deal with rent and mortgage, keep your credit rate in good standing, engage in fulfilling work and find people to love.

2.

13 october 2010

The North Node of the Moon in Capricorn

The path of the Earth around the Sun is called the Ecliptic. It takes a whole year to make that trip.

The Moon's travel around the Earth, on the other hand, makes the whole trip in one month.

The points at which those two paths cross

are called the NODES OF THE MOON.

In a most uncanny way, they describe

every relationship you have and

whatever intimate involvements

you create, both in personal life and business.

When the Moon crosses that point of intersection into the North as it is today,

this conjunction of the Moon

and the North Node

this year in the sign of Capricorn

means

don't indulge or baby yourself.

No more screwing around.

Get serious about everything you are doing

and everyone you are doing it with.

With hope, love will be back soon

After all the ups and downs of my recent adventure, maybe it is time to reflect. A passionate fling, but one with a lot of questions, and obvious things to wonder. First, how my good friend consistently depricates my relationships. As if he's wiser and better than me even at things I do and has nothing to do with. Very apt that it was during my time with her that his tripwire was set. Transperent nonsense and an obvious rift that will engulf him if he ever trespass again without caution. However, there many things that have been said since then, and when they were there is no doubt it was behind my back. He'll keep digging but that is his hole, not mine... I still remember how I knew not prolong the previous relationship or mix it up with the tall beautiful blonde on his return.

As for the others. The first was possesive, obsessive and trying to catch a man without any plan. She was  demanding trying to force my obsession. I know that people see me as weak and meek. Is kindness always a suspect for weakness? Turning over every stone trying to get her claws into my personal life as if to expose me in front of people who really know and love me. As if to say, look, I'm here, and you're not. I know about him, and you don't right now. Pretty obvious. But I wouldn't risk her deliberately getting off the pill, and allowing me to lose everything I have and giving her that power over me. Well that was a very scary thought and why I knew to blow her off. Imagine if I was dumb enough to share this blog with her?

The second was an older kind of desperate for something type of a creature. She calls, and sends messages, like why don't you call me. Later finding out she got my phone number from my friend, then act like I was too drunk to remember me giving it to her. Well at least she eventually told me. The entire time I felt like I wasn't interested. And even after she let me spend a night at her place, I still wasn't interested. Even less so.

The culmination of these two experiences,... "Fun not Forever". Right now I feel as if I've shaken off a lot of bad memories and feelings. I really have hope and want to meet someone else sooner or later. I feel that I will get it right, at the right time, in the right way. Faith, hope, love. Not neccessarily in that order, whatever order suits the future, and leads to fulfillment of all three.

Senseless Bitterness

Will my bitterness ever pass? Age sorrow envy and angst vs. youth, arrogance, stupidity and regret. Stupidity reigns supreme. Honesty is a foolish endevour ripe for being peeled like a sour lemon squirting juice in the eye. Ridicule and subtle jealousy kicks the nuts all those eyes pray for the worst. Lemonade anyone?

Bumps in the road

My bicycle was impounded by the city on Saturday 3000 yen to get it back. Lost my train pass this morning right before the bus arrived with almost as much to lost compounding it all. Confounding might actually be more appropriate. Next week may be more shocking if my credit card charges are excessive. If so I may be down and out for a while. Pray these aren't the all to familiar omens and warning that have haunted me in the past, blessing in disguise. Will my other better half understand? Time to settle down?

We're are they now

Parkside - The Movie
Uploaded by pmirecki

Invisible tripwire in plain sight

Line crossed. One that spanned continents, oceans, generations and tribes. Tripwire. Theirs not mine. Meant for me and mine. Found by me now fallen on their own, well restrung by me. Bitter sweet fierce response with a subtle roar. Wicked contempt and farce no more. Sign

Limbo bimbo dim ho

Exasperation on vacation. Selfish dimwitted manipulative spouse. Lost cause in a rats maze. 1963 spoiled brat disguised in a fat suit and mask.

Radical Fat Head and Stomach

Working out as often as possible... while drinking more. All too conscious of our mortality and seething amongnst my peers wallowing in the pity of regrets. Shall this last long enough and endure my passing into nonexistence... Wisdom just isn't enoungh self assurance. I will soon enough have the courage to tell you how it feel to be an African American expatriate in Japan.

Sore yet determined

Yes I'm sore. All over. Especially in love. I won't elaborate because it is complicated... and simple. Dread that I am. Dread that I have. Hope that must endure. Pride without the foolishness of hubris.

Performance Edge

I ate a lot this week. Yesterday must have chowed down about 5000 calories. Beef, Fish, Steak and Tacos. Spice, salt. Vodka. Sweating on my way home. Biking left me drowing in it. Today a buffet lunch. Oil coming out of the my face. Constipated and worried about it all.

I worked out Monday. Was tempted to do so yesterday. To save it for today means I have to go hard and long. Try my best to burn it all off. Make sure that I can be in the best of shape within 2 weeks. Get my performance edge up. No grasping at straws, or gasping for air, push the envelop.

With a little effort I will look very good. Not heavy and meaty, but lean and mean. And perhaps light on my feet, and enough to clear my thoughts and reach some intellectual development goals.

Back to life, back to reality

Bright ideas. Realizing what has and hasn't been done. Nothing original, but time to do it on the curve.

Can I make it real? What is the fastest way to getting it done? How flexible will it be? Both on the application side, and the implementation side? And deliverable to Android as well...

I want to turn this around quickly. I need a deadline for August 30. I want it to be secure (as far as the data source, or method) and useful to the audience. Basically in demand...

Good enough for me to use, and everybody else will value as well. Here's to the hype, and hope I don't give up and can deliver faster than then...

Bitches and Sisters

"Bitches & Sisters" Lyrics By Jay-z

(Let's describe a certain female)

(Let's describe a certain female)

(Let's describe a certain female)

[Jay-Z]

(Bitch) you know my name and the company I own

(Bitch) you like my style and you smell my cologne

(Bitch) don't try to act like my track-record ain't known

(Bitch) you probably gotta couple CD's in your home

(Bitch) don't make me say it twice, you acting all up tight

Also diddy like, like, like

You ain't a (Bitch), I ain't no ball player, you ain't gonna get pregnant again

Hit off with paper, you gonna get hit off and slid off

Before the neighbors take off to go to work

So just, take off your shirt, don't hit me with that church shit

(Bitch) I got a sister who schooled me to shit you chickens do

Tricking fools, got a whole Robin Givens crew that I kick it to

They be hipping dudes, how you chickens move, I be listening to

(Bitch) (Bitch) (Bitch)

Don't make me say it thrice, you acting all up tight

Also diddy like, like

You ain't a (Bitch), You ain't no better cuz you don't be fucking rappers

You only fuck with actors, you still getting fucked backwards

(Bitch) Unless you fucked a dude on his own merit

And not the way he dribbles or ball or draw leverage

You're a (Bitch), No ma, you're a (Bitch)

(Let's describe a certain female)

(Let's describe a certain female)

(Let's describe a certain female)

Say Jay-Z, why you gotta go and disrespect the women for? Uh

[Jay-Z]

(Bitch) Sisters get respect, bitches get what they deserve

SIsters work hard, bitches work your nerves

Sisters hold you down, bitches hold you up

Sisters help you progress, bitches will slow you up

Sisters cook up a meal, play their role with the kids

Bitches in street with their nose in your biz

Sisters tell the truth, bitches tell lies

Sisters drive cars, bitches wanna ride

Sisters give-up the ass, bitches give-up the ass

Sisters do it slow, bitches do it fast

Sisters do their dirt outside of where they live

Bitches have niggers all up in your crib

Sisters tell you quick "you better check your homie"

Bitches don't give a fuck, they wanna check for your homie

Sisters love Jay cuz they know how 'Hov is

I love my sisters, I don't love no bitch 

Beer moment extreme reflection

When life seems like its past you by. Well its all you got. Then it fulfills itself like you'll live forever. You already have. We already are.

Desire led to Despair

Desire led to Despair. My fleeting moments were passion, which I desired, yet desperate, hence despair. 

Fiction follows: (source: wikipedia: endless: desire|despair)

---

Desire is the third youngest of the Endless and the twin of Despair. It is a strikingly beautiful figure whose gender is mutable, becoming male, female, both, or neither as the situation warrants. It is often referred to as "sister-brother" by its siblings, particularly Dream. Desire blends in effortlessly with whatever environment it finds itself in. It lives in the heart of a massive flesh-and-blood statue of itself, known as the Threshold. Indeed, further strengthening the connection to hearts, Desire's sigil in the galleries of the other Endless is a heart of cut glass.

Desire is described as being of medium height, smelling faintly of summer peaches. Desire casts two shadows, one black and sharp, the other translucent and wavering. Desire's smiles are brief and sharp. Its skin is "pale as smoke," and its eyes are "tawny and sharp as yellow wine."

Desire is easily the cruelest of the Endless. It seems obsessed with interfering with the affairs of its elder siblings, particularly Dream. The motivation behind this is not clear, but seems to be simply a variation on childish teasing. Desire is not exactly unaware of the consequences of its actions, but considers those consequences ultimately unimportant, a position which angers Morpheus and Death in particular. Desire sometimes acts in concert with Despair and Delirium; the relationship is not clear, however, and Desire is much more distant from its siblings than Despair or Delirium.

---

Despair is the twin sister of Desire. She is squat, flabby and pale-skinned, with black hair, gray eyes, and pointed teeth. Her voice is little more than a whisper, and she has no odor, but her shadow smells musky and pungent, like the skin of a snake. She does not wear clothes. On a finger of her left hand she wears a ring with a hook attached to it, with which she habitually carves her flesh. The hook is her sigil in the galleries of the other characters. Her realm is a gray space in which floats a white fog and countless mirrors, which are connected to mirrors in the human world, through which she looks on those who are in despair. The only other inhabitants of her realm are her pet rats.

Wicked intimate and personal

Although something I obliously would never say here. Well besides that, I'm in love. An inspirational love of a lifetime that wills itself to last that long, never to let it go or forget. My container finally arrived. The goods are priceless, and perhaps valuable too. I unpacked as much as possible to air the stuff out. I am parked just sitting here waiting for her to be free. Rain outside just glad I'm dry. sign

For You

Come inside and share my love. I have never shared my love before. I
have never been in love. I do not open up to many. When I do, I just
get stabbed in my soft parts. I wear a shell around my heart made of
stone and I discard it when I am alone with you. Where did this hard
man came from and how he can be so cold on the outside. It is because
I have not had a dream in a long time. See this life I have had can
make a good man turn bad. So please, please, please let me get what I
want this time. Lord knows it would be the first time. There is a warm
man on the inside.

When you said you cared, it touched my soul. No one has ever cared
enough to say so. It touches my soul. I hope there will never be
another. I meet many and as I get to know them, they begin to believe
they know me better than I know myself. I back off and would rather
not know them at all. I want you to know me better than I know myself
just as I would like to get to know you.

Let's not put faith in marriage and simply believe in us. It is not a
piece of paper or a ring that are the bonds of love, it is you and I.
Believe in the future and do not look back; the past is no friend of
ours. I believe in children because they are the future. Marriage is
for children. Until then I will be your hopeless romantic.

billbill, 1997

All has not been what it seems

The townsman was puzzled by the mirror. No matter how hard and long he
looked at it, he couldn't tell which side was real and which side was
the imitation. What he did know was the one he watched had a
reflection of himself and the world around him and found it very
gratifying since these images were proof of his existence. So, he
decided that the reflection was his world instead of the world that he
lived in.

As he stared into the mirror, it glowed and its reflection changed
absorbing him into its reality. In this other reality, his
imperfections were gone. Time lost its meaning since everything ceased
to age. In triumph and self-glorification, he lived out his fantasies
unchallenged by life as he once knew it.

Upon detaching himself from the reality of the mirror, he saw that the
world around him had changed while he had not, as if life had somehow
passed him by. Confused, he closely inspected the images in the mirror
noticing that they were neither reality nor a reflection of it.
Instead, his TV displayed a crude mockery of his world on a stage with
him as its naive audience. He resigned himself to ponder how he could
have ever been fooled by such a cheap imitation of life with all of
the wonders that the real world had to offer.

Texas Pilot in a Time Capsule

I am anybody in a crowd of people in the middle of nowhere

Games people play not wanting to play not wanting to give in just to be somebody

Holding on to what is left behind from a past never to return

Friction of the environment wears away what is left

Always afraid to be nobody

Dreams do come true

Hubris risk and folly

I'll love you again tomorrow. Today is a bit too soon. I need you, but
some of the things I saw, the scale and depth of sin city, the
organized criminal nature of it all, made me sad that such a place and
life exists. Especially that you're familiar with it. As friends and
lovers does that mean I'm there too. Am I naively straying into
treacherous waters that and stormy weather. Shall my ship ever capsize
pray I won't be stranded on such corrupt shores. Pray a real love will
will eclipse the insane risks that abound.

Aquarius Risings!

Michael Lutin Apr 27, 2010

AQUARIANS!

Aquarius Risings!

And Everybody else,too,

because we all have Aquarius somewhere on our charts:

This next ten month period will be probably

one of the great turning points in your life.

Talk about a crazy gamble!

For an astrologically technical reason

this position of Uranus at the end of Pisces

makes the area of the horoscope

where Aquarius falls

(as well as Pisces, of course)

a special hot spot.

Strange turns of events

and last minute mind-blowing reversals

will mark the area forever when you look back upon it.

Nobody can predict this one.

It's just a total roll of the dice.

Strength

Somehow I emerge from the fog of the past month. I'm not out of the
hole yet, but at least my hands are on the rung of the ladder. With a
bit of strength and resolve, I can be back on my feet, both planted
firmly on the ground in June. What matters is how I manage my liasons.
The first is the one I have made the most of, and why I'm still in the
hole. I'd like to be there, but I can't afford to care like I want to,
barring a miracle save. Yet, the affection is real, and I love it. My
distraction is travel to the place of angst from a previous life of
mine. Time to see how far I've traveled and if I can stomach the
reality of being associated with a life and people I ran from over 10
years ago. The strength I need is to settle down and take life as it
comes, and not force it wasting my time and money in the process.
Somehow figure out how to make quality time and people, instead of
wasting time on people.

Bitter Rain

My extended team is a bunch of biased brain dead bureaucrats, including me. I am in the midst of a long crawl out of my own hole. I am a mess. A selfish, impulsive, greedy lunatic. It seems like any thing I do taxes me 200 percent, leaving me with half as much cash. My obsession with women is stupid. Are they creatures or people? Do they care or dare? I feel like a fool and loser with no confidence lacking ease which keeps me at the mercy of my libido and parasitic better half. I wonder how I am going to survive the next 10 days? Paradise may follow. But at what cost?

Goals met goals set, unfulfilled without any progress or gain

Financials goals not met, material goals set and met. The combination has left me broke yet fulfilled I kept a commitment to myself, to receive an international shipment of my household goods. There are still steps I must take to complete the process. My endless stumbling and bumbling around here, and escaping elsewhere almost put that plan in jeopardy, thus broke. A let down after the fact was losing my wallet and cancelling my credit card. Yet that is a wake up call and a blessing in disguise. The wake up call is I need to settle down, and if I make a mistake no one will help me. The blessing in disguise is that without my credit card, I can't spend more money than I have even though I'm broke.

I must travel abroad to process customs. I invited my family but that seems to be opportunistic on my spouses behalf. Always eager to take advantage of something that someone can do for her. The pressure is still on, and I want it to stop. The trip is meant to process customs, which even she can't help me with, but taking advantage of it for the opportunities sake. And now planning to reform our condominium. Again, what is the end game for stabilizing our home. Will I get any more leeway in regards to privacy and usage of the entire home? I doubt it. A lot of effort and a lot to spend, yet also a lot of feeling continually used and no love, respect or any way out. Goals met goals set, feeling extremely unfulfilled lacking any real progress or gain.

About time to retire young

When do we realize we've gotten older. I imagine when friends begin to pass away. Sometimes we'll hardly know they are gone. Silence isn't always golden, especially when you know its not someone forever. But when the time eventually arrives, abruptly and pertinent, we either don't know nor care. Being remembered and dreamt of may be what its all about. Now back to that retirement and living life like its forever. sign

Final Curtain

Michael Lutin - Pisces March 2010

Well, this is it! The final curtain. The last degrees of the last sign of the Zodiac. While the coming weeks are more crucial for those born between the 17th and 20th of March, every member of your noble sign is experiencing the oddest mixture of emotions you may ever feel.

If you have been having any health issues since around Christmastime, now is the moment to recoup your energy, take some positive action and move ahead. It is certainly easy for friends, coworkers and loved ones to say to you (especially if they know astrology), "Mars is moving forward. Get off your butt. Get on the stick! Get going!"

What they don't know is that you are tired, no, REALLY tired. Not just I-need-a-vacation tired, but exhausted, totally frayed, utterly fried, nerves on edge, fed up and feeling as if you are being dragged along on some wave you have to fight to keep from being overcome by. This is a kind of cosmic exhaustion, occurring to those who look around them and see just how stupid and ridiculous everything in this world really is. Oh, there's a job, and relationship and kids and money we're programmed to chase after, but at this point, everything bores you. Everything seems like an absolutely preposterous waste of time and energy. It's not exactly a depression. Rather, it is a profound disillusion with all the rainbows people chase after.

If you're one of those few Pisceans who lack the spiritual perspective or the foresight not to get enmeshed, hung up and attached to all the absurd baubles, bangles and beads and foolish pursuits of Earthlings, then, yes, you're probably going to be feeling pretty crappy these days. But it's not too late to join the greater number of your fellow Pisceans who have been able to throw themselves totally into whatever they were doing, completely immerse themselves, take on a total identity, be totally in the moment and still be Zen enough to be able to walk away with a tear in their eye and love in their heart.

And that's exactly what you have to do now. Immerse yourself completely and stand apart at the same time.

The Pushcart War

A couple of weeks of ups and downs. Hope and angst. Friends and gossip. Fear and love. A push cart war. The rules by the big and brave eclipsing the small and nimble. I remember that book well. Even as an adolescent I knew what it meant. How the powerful truckers exerted their will on the pushcart vendors. Well now much older and wiser, and in a totally different world, these past few weeks seem very similar, but in a much more personal way. My subconscious mind suddenly remembered the book today. Well to put it as lightly as possible, yet share the feeling that dominate me at the moment... here it is.

My good friend, a giant of a talented musician suddenly introduced me to a woman on a Sunday evening. Call it her whim or his plan, she started to immediately fancy me. Well obviously surprised I got a bit excited and when realizing she couldn't pay her bill, I stepped up, and left with her and her friends. I left my backpack which my friend came to deliver. However, my hasty decision to pay her bill left me broke. A Sunday night without any money for the rest of the week and work the next day until payday Friday never mind a hotel room, so I chose not to spend the evening with her. She wouldn't return my calls after that.

I partied with my other friend the following weekend, wallet fat with cash. This friend told me that my musician friend told him that I didn't do what I was supposed to do. Even though I hadn't spoken to him since that day. My birthday approached and I deliberately avoided the local scene due to lack of privacy and lack of respect. I can tell that in my absence the topic of conversation was about my personal business and that I really don7t want to be around these people.

The pushcart war is how my friend who dominates the scene setting the stage of disappointment at my feet. I had a couple of other dates leading up to my birthday all while trying to avoid the scene. But I know I'll have to answer to it, with the subtle drama of silence on my part and lack of respect of anyone around there. Like no matter what I say, they'll already have the story of what they think of me, and what I think in general, even though they really don't have a clue of who I am or where I am coming from. Sign

Illusions

Michael Lutin thursday 11 feb

We can talk about healing and faith all we want to
but the fact is
a lot of people are about to freak out right now
mainly because they ahve to give up
an illusion
that is no longer viable
a dream that just isn't going to happen
they have to walk away from a whole life
and they can't see around the corner
they can't see that there is
life after change
so it's easy to tell someone
to let go of the past
and have faith in the future
but when Uranus comes to the end of Pisces
as it is in these weeks and months
it's not easy to walk away
from a dream you once had
that is no longer your dream
in the end though
honesty
always
takes you
where you need to go from here

Trapeze Act, No safety net

What kind of fog have I been living under? I clearly remember when I asked my better half to choose a plan which is good to invest in. And to realize that I opted out altogether. And she remembers much more clearly than I do. Now this may be my fault, but the pattern of events that have led up until now clearly make me wonder if that was her deliberate choice, and acting like I know, only to get more money in her pocket somehow, or even unconsciously handicap me. The move and the kids, not considering international schools. The home, choosing the home forcing my hand. The signatory assumptions. Piling on every responsibility financially tying me down without asking. Forcing me to be responsible for her expenses, her car costs, that her mom paid for, but I'm responsible for.

Now to say I'm not covered by any retirement plan and I clearly remember asking for her help to choose a plan. And now she says I told her I want more money in my pocket. I clearly don't remember that, and realize how much she hasn't helped me do anything in my interest, piling on, knowing failure would be subservience to her, and success is just more money in her pocket. Now I know, and am damn embarrassed that I have no safety net, a trapeze artist, under her circus tent.

Weird, and apologize for superstitious beliefs, but my horoscope sounds so positive and confident, as if there is something positive on the horizon. Is it a big enough wave and drift that will set my beached ship to sail again? sign

Home is where the heart is

One of those days when someone Japanese asks me to return to the U.S. based on the any hint that life here has its challenges. I can't wait to meet that fucking asshole again. Chance that he's looking for a fight. Bring it on asswipe...

Crossroads

"all you people think you own my life, you never made any sacrifice" yet the song plays like a skipped record. At work, my disfunctiongal organization deliberately perform less just to pass the buck along to force others to do more. Its like having power in spite of everyone else's ineptitude.

Besides all that

Today we're in shock and awe of another display by mother nature, this time in Haiti. This one sends a warning like a devil in the details of our lives. Especially here in Tokyo. To imagine that we're immune and that in such event of sheer devastation in Tokyo that I'll either be around to survive the aftermath or won't suffer the loss of friends and family is pure fantasy. I'd hate to echo the disturbing message of many, but this may be a nighmarish blessing in disguise for Haiti. Like the epic sweep of history ending, this is like a fierce renewal for a desparate people. And hope that whatever comes to pass will be better than what was there before. God bless all the souls that passed. If that weren't enough, Teddy too... sigh a tear

On another note. There seems to be several currents flowing through my life. Some are swift and treacherous. Others well known. They all ebb and flow, but aren't leading me anywhere. Like one oar I paddle in circles and wish I could find the stream to my personal satisfaction. But this current ebb I seem to circle in is a shallow pool of someone else's satisfaction, perhaps even desperation. Am I a bad person to want to row to the shore, upstream or float downstream away from despair. Or be happy that I have a boat at all and am not overboard treading water like the rest of them.

New Technologies in a Sustainable Energy Economy

Piles of Stress

Two days of anxiety. I've been there and done that, but anytime I get dreaded piles I freak out. Appearing out of nowhere they appear sudden. However, in retrospect, I think a lot about the things I've been eating, with compulsive drinking and smoking. And with that thought, maybe I should be more careful about what I eat, and not drink or smoke as much. To tell my colleagues that I'm not feeling well, knowing they all sit on cushions too. I don't sit on a cushion, but also fear the piles are something much worse that means I need to
go visit a doctor. Well, today I won't need to... but it is enough to show how fragile we all are, delicate to the very end, no pun intended.