3 Strikes and You're Hurt

3 Strikes and you're hurt. I crashed on my bicycle again last weekend. The 3rd time in 3 years. I feel fortunate to still have my nose and teeth after those wrecks. They feel as if they parallel the stuff going around me in my life.

The first bicycle crash was coming down the bike ramp at the park. I had an empty can in one hand, and my grip hand on the front break. Well, it picked up speed unexpectadely, so I grabbed the break and went head first over the handle bars. I let the bicycle go and sailed sliding landing flat on my belly scraping the pavement with my shoulder and feet. Wearing short sleeved and sandels, I was pretty bruised. The people around me were pretty startled, and amazed. They asked several times if was ok, and my only reply was that my face is fine. Actually I was really lucky I didn't land on someone like a child or an elderly person, and got them killed them. The scrapes and soreness took a month to disappear.

The second crash was one morning racing towards the park and the train station headed to work. The road was a narrow one, barely passable for 2 cars at a time. And with many side streets and blind turns. Well, while on my way an elderly man turned off the side street in front of me without looked. I hit him head on. Again, I knew if I hit him with my full weight he might end up in the hospital. So I let the bike go and thrust myself over his bike past him, and landed on my side rolling like a stuntman. My wind got knocked out of me a bit and it took minutes to catch my breath. The old guy was cut by his peddle and apologizing for pulling in front of me.

The latest crash and hopefully the last happened on my way home from partying. I was coming down a different hill into the park, one I always take. To be honest this was influenced by alcohol. Well, at the bottom of the small hill is a bar to block cars. Normally I go left or right to avoid it. This time without thinking I was headed straight it it, in a daze. But then I saw the bar and didn't have time to go left or right, and put the brakes on not hit, but also not to go over my handle bars. Well I still hit it anyways, and instead of taking the brunt of the hit in my gut, I launched myself over the guard rail, landing square on my shoulder and rolling a bit. This one hurt pretty bad and wondered if I was going to end up in the hospital this time. I limped home on my bicycle and woke up in pain. I suffered for about a week, but my shoulder has limbered up, and bicycle safe from me in the parking garage.

Sexual capital

Well nothing akin to a capital city like NYC. More like the respectful consideration I have for Tiger Woods. Risk exists in every relationship. But also the genuine reward that only affection and genuine relashionships endevour. And yes, always worth it, but with extreme caution and restraint.

Light at time of darkness

How can I complain about all this? I got empowered as an executive staff yesterday. I have become more conscious of who I am, who I once was, potential to rise higher. My heros on my flank. Talking to my family and I as if I were worthy of their ear. Even sharing my own humble exploits in their midst. Something is happening. About to happen. Right before my very feet. I have no big shoes to fill... just fresh clay to cross and lay those footsteps on my own. sign

...that nothing is forever

(from Michael Lutin's Daily Fix Friday 4 Dec - a very uncanny perspective today)

You could swear sometimes that if you didn't know better
somebody somewhere was sticking pins in a doll.
Paranoia could be rampant and trust is difficult to come by.
Those who already have the uh-oh message know that this cold war isn't
thawing out any time soon
and that Uranus won't even reach the 29th degree of Pisces until
sometime in April-May.
You can already see the handwriting on the wall, however, that the
movie is changing big time
and things are just never going to be the same any more.
That's not necessarily a tragedy, although there is some tragic
aspects to what is going on.
So there's no sense pretending everything is wonderful.
It can all turn out to be more of a blessing than you think.
A new life awaits, but first, it's squeezing through the eye of that
damned needle....
then you can move on to fight the fight and love the love
you need lots of stamina now plus a profound understanding, that
nothing is forever

knucklehead blame game

A colleague who never accepts responsibility challenged me endlessly
concerning failure of his own. Well not his, but ball in his court. No
one is perfect and especially not the business we work for or the
processes we adhere to. Yet, the stage is set and the cynical posture
along with the nagging tone, even accusatory stance got the hell on my
nerves big time. The disaster is so serious in this one part of the
business, and to convey it directly to an extreme knucklehead was a
total lost cause. Enough to make me want to walk out the doors, smoke
and drink. I couldn't though, one more task to complete, much more
important to the business and team. No matter, at least its almost
Friday.

Sorry, no foreigners allowed, but wait...

Thank god its Friday. My transition is physically complete, but
mentally I'm still in flux. This week I've had enough of the local
parasites around town. This one girl invited me into her bar last
weekend. Seemed friendly enough to have a foreigner like me until I
saw the bill; couple of drinks and a couple of hundred dollars later.
Shamefully went back for more of less, but came out with minimal
damage to the wallet. Well this 'nice girl' I met there started
calling me saying that she wanted to see me again. Ego and libido
aside, I'm thinking why not, better than frequenting a much lewder
establishment. Well, this guy who first granted my entrance sees me
approaching. Well as if he needs glasses, he bobs his head up and
down, and from side to side, while hastily approaching until certain
it was me. Well that girl was there again she says, oh its a
promotional night, just 3000 yen to get in. Well after a few drinks
and a lot of talking nonsense I know its time to go. But wait,
suddenly, it's 15000 yen... !!?? There she was, another "R-O-B" (rip
off bitch). Now its my fault, I should have known. These girls are
pros. Pros at getting Japanese guys to buy drinks and charge for
social while preying on they loneliness, general kindness, and lack of
sensibilities. But to prey on a gaijin like me left me feeling like a
total loser. I can't wait for the next time she sends me a message
hello. I'll be brief and frank, no thanks, I can get more and better
in life for free. Please just treat me like most Japanese do and
just say sorry, no foreigners allowed.

Say goodbye tonight

I made my move. A good one and bad one. A fiercely irresponsible weekend playing with fire, getting burnt now the lynch mobs at my doorstep. A tangled web of timing and priorities, and last ditch effort to move into a positive mode. The breaks I just got is in the direction of the war, almost feels like a dance with the maker himself. God forbid this shines any light on the grave mistakes I've made over the past 3 years. Or trip me up during this month of effort to regain what little I've got left and miss the finish line altogether. Foolish is an understatement.

Interesting, Michael Lutin's message in "Where's the Moon" isn't totally related to how I feel today, but sharing it anyways to complement my own:

Monday 23 nov

The next period is a dialogue (with other people or in your own head) between scarily cold cynicism and naive faith. Isn't it spiritually wise to believe everything will turn out the way it is supposed to? Or is that just plain stupid? Isn't it prudent to realize all people have a selfish agenda and are in it for themselves? Or is it a waste to mistrust everyone because you end up alone and damaging yourself? Should you push to dominate or let compassion rule?

This is the crisis bewtween the Saturn Pluto square and the transit of Uranus that is just about to take place, Coming next week:

"WAIT! DON'T KILL YOURSELF YET! THERE'S HOPE!"

Giveaway

After three years of independence, I'm giving it all away. The movers arrive tomorrow to ship my stuff. The charity organizations are here today, taking what I can't keep. Sacrificing my empty freedom to the surveillance and coercion of my eager and greedy spouse. To think that I can't avoid such a parasitic codependent love that suffocates all feelings and purpose. Owned by a needy and incapable woman who's only ambition is to hijack my own. Yes, it will be like a chess game, stacked against me, and my every move is a step away from getting trapped in this despicable ravenous black widow spider web. The fake smiles, half-truths, and tears of desperation chisel at everything I've got left to give.

Epicenter of Calamity

A habitual ritual Sunday. As usual, I can't avoid my favorite place, with the bites of Chicken, lamb, and red wine I love. So smoky, even the the open air setting leaves me reaking of charcoal. Friends calling me all day and night, ignoring them so I won't stray too far following their flock and shepherd. Still people always seem to find me, both old aquaintances and new strangers. Weird how time won't give me time especially whenever I sense a beautiful woman's gentle cheer eclipsing such a wicked fear.

Time waits for no one. To the ones who call at no notice, I should have called you sooner. To the ones who I met with your beau, I wish I met you first. For the one that used me, like the sadistic piece of shit she was, along with her fucking heartless boyfriends, go to hell. To the ones who chase my friends, and my friends who lead them backstabbing me stupid, sayonara. To my better half who manipulated me to her own fitful gain, you are on notice. And all others who laid judgement on this pathetic fool, I never knew you. Lastly, to my family and our birthright, I love you with all my heart, please inspire me to rise above all this. sign

Last stand

What do you call a 3-night stand when nothing happens? A limitless desperate lunge at life around me from Friday to Monday. Fearful at starting something that won't last into the profound dissolusist fate that awaits me a week later. Will this change reflect my life like night and day? And will I dare share it with you bunch of strangers? Hopefully this episode ends this fantasy as a realistic dream spiced with the reality of Right Fucking Now!

This Fragile Man

Tears. The kind that well near the heart. Floods of memories angst, anxiety, neglect and betrayal. The heart beats, flutters, tears well, voice stutters. Yet in the presence of uncaring judgemental fairweather friends it all seem like pathetic theater. Superimposed against the reality of sacrifice versus the sinister human parasites in our midst.

An Angst Driven Life

I miss Mamiko so much. A great love climbing like a stairway to heaven. Yet I treated our love like it was just a good time. And let her slip away leaving me with a drought like the Sahara Desert. If I never enjoy such love and affection again for the rest of my life, I may as well consider it over. No wonder she was wise to find another man rather than risk such despair of heart and soul. sign

A life like none other

'A Ground Zero' of far east artistic genius. The moon rose above our night like time fate option love galore. And it was for many. Yet I missed my mark every time, except as a witness to the spectacle. sign

Dawn of the nothing new

Hard not to go overboard right now. Empty pace of rushing from one place to the next. Next to nothing. Exasperating and draining. As if I stop it will all be over and not having arrived anywhere nor gained anything. A bottomless pit. Whether my stomach, my glass of alcohol and libido.

Loan Shark

I wish. Not a loan shark. More like a sucker who can't say no, or won't ask after the fact. Yet, the experience is pretty obvious... I have fair weather friends who only call when they need something, either overtly or as a hidden agenda. The closest, and most demanding person is someone I've considered a great friend. However, the relationship is marred with over zealous prearranged situations and deals which are always in his favor, with the presumption that I'm lucky enough to join him for the moment leading him to whatever personal fulfillment.

Meanwhile I'm left with wallet empty, heart in hand, and the look of mild bewilderment that he thinks I'm simple and there for all that. Well, maybe I am a loan shark. In other words, I think I gave him more than he can pay me back... not too much but the manner in which it went down, it was obviously self serving and ill-willed. I am responsible and regretful of this angst, but not the feeling that that my loan shark got fed (up). Perhaps no better way to get rid of someone's parasitic behavior by paying them off. Take the loss, swallow the pride and just move on
already.

An Obiviously Shallow Regard

I recently read in a book I bought 'the cries of the poor may not always be just, but if you don't listen to it you will never know justice'. I got in touch with my prodigal younger brother. I found him after searching for him on the Internet. At first I wasn't sure since he used his full name. His display was our father's given name plus his mom's birthright. Even though he is shades lighter than my black complexion, I saw the resemblance in the brow we share. I am not at odds with his true manliness. But am on edge worried that just because I prefer women (obsessed to an angst ridden demise) he may not realize how much I respect him. By the way, the first sentence doesn't have anything to do with him.

Society blanks

I'm at a loss. On a nice day like today I want a chance at
fulfillment. What to do? Sit in a Starbucks and build enough courage
to say hello to someone? Go to a bar and be seen with friends? Call
one of the ladies I know and have that formal date? Best to just sleep
it off and use this energy to make something of the weekend, somehow,
someway.

Angst fear overwhelming

Life and ambition leads to a point where one is capable of achieving ones dreams. Yet what about the people who don't have the same capability and aptitude. The ones who depend on us exploiting our good endevours, steering us towards their selfish and devious aims? It is enough to achieve less rather than be exploited anymore. It is that or rise higher than our parasites would ever dare climb... sign

Puritan

One of those things about living in Japan that I haven't gotten used to... its the way the girls are easy. As a guy I should could be happy about it. But on another level I can't handle it. Maybe I want someone who really cares about me... and how I don't know how to get from an introduction to something real without feeling bad without about other guys. Woman's liberation versus a man's fragile libido. sign

Nowhere fast

I am at odds with what I committed to do, and what I will achieve from it. Fear of manipulation and being taken advantage of again, and execution full of anxiety. However, the upside and end of wasteful spending has great potential.

How soon is now?

A climax is upon us. An angst ridden self loathing one filled with doubt and anxiety... all while in the presense of such intense primal nature of man.

Holiday weekend, nice results at the office

After almost a week off of frustration and angst that I expected, I
returned to the office. A 5-day holiday weekend which feels like I've
returned to the office for a 2-day break from my long weekend. Well it
was enough rest to focus and realize what to do and say to my most
demanding customer, and smile and deliver good results. After work
hours, I'm gladly working late at a restaurant on my way home
following through and realizing that my life may be my work. I worked
through a 2-hour conference call about our 'merger' and am not as
skeptical as the boss about it. In fact, it drives my will to be the
best that I once was, and perhaps still can be.

Despair

Today I feel full of despair and fear. Gloom and doom. Darkness before
the dawn. Frustration in time of need. Left out in the cold and no one
seems to be there for me. Feeling manipulated and taken advantage.
Like no matter what more I do it won't get much better than this. I
need a lift, a gift, a lifeline, something to make me feel better. I
thought I'd hit bottom but this fall keeps going like a bottomless
pit. Please smile please.

Haters beware

I said it, yet shouldn't have to. Whenever we realize how blessed such a wonderfully and beautiful heritage we've inherited, only faith makes sense. Whenever you feel lonely or alienated... consider this.

Life's long when you're lonely

Yakitori. Chicken on a stick, 80 cents each. Beer. Afternoon near the park. Alone. Well besides all the other middle aged guys sitting next to me. Nobody is talking just thinking, eating, drinking. I slept well, dreamed a lot, woke up wondering what I missed that night on the town... well I think the town missed me... but I know that would have been quite lonely too. sigh

Willing Victim Yes

This weekend is going to be interesting. Someone someway it has to be.
I'm sort of not up to it. Meaning my esteem is kind of low. Concerning
my wardrobe, diet, libido, blah blah blah. Hope it gets real, probably
realer than I'm ready for. But isn't that what they say, that's when
it happens. Do guys ever have a choice, no. Willing victim, Yes.

Happy Monday

The weekend office home party was nice. But I almost don't know how I
got home. A once in a lifetime crazy day. Thank goodness my friends
got me home safe, but with a lot of drama instigated on my part. I
don't drink much, but maybe that's the problem, I can't handle it. I
think I was just lonely, tired of being alone. C'est la vie...

Refreshed

Another month before summer ends, but already feels like the best summer in years. Grandma's illness drew us all closer. My mom and brother's visit from the states earlier this month was great too. I did a lot of healing and realize what is important in life. Sleep schedule back to normal and I lost my foul Tokyo odor that I accumulated in bars and on the subway. I realize I can live here but it would feel the start of the rest of my life.

Nebuta!

Full moon. And the wonderful finale to the weeklong Nebuta Festival. This festival sort of has consistently highlighted my life.

Age of irony

I recently told my friend that when were children our parents took care of us, but when we all get older the roles reverse. That is very apparent now. Grandma has been seeing and hearing things. Arguing with imaginary people or past memories. Last night went to dinner leaving her sitting at the entrance waiting for no one after trying to convince her to leave. We returned to find she eventually fell over and passed ou forehead on the floor and had to carry her to bed. Small woman but very heavy. Later that night she started talking again. Her daughter has been talking to her mother like a child.

Toll road ahead

Not a freeway. Well could be stuck in Tokyo. Better that I'm hanging out in Northern Honshu. I visited an old friend's town this afternoon. The family sorted out their errands this evening and as a result each other.

A real vacation

A surreal kind of escape, the type to surrender control to. Back to gravity and family. My adopted families here are deep rooted at a slow pace yet tolerant of endless snow drifts. As if the city doesn't have a big future and nature is fine with that.

Tokyo trapeze act

Well the euphoria of my family visit has passed. Back at the office
looking busy doing nothing for a week then more time off. Ready for
summer, trapped in the city. Imagine a way to escape and prepared to
do so. Perhaps not very far, perhaps far enough. Beach is preferable.
Not sure whether to challenge family in my private life, or abandon
them for new horizons. Seems like there is a hidden agenda on the
other side. Pretty obvious but nothing impossible to fend off, but not
without heartache.

Summer Breeze

I'm on fire. Have I finally hit bottom? Perhaps. Very nice weather
indeed. Summer breeze makes me feel fine,... pun intended. Hard to
believe this is the crest, but always feels like that before the wave
crashes over you. Gotta keep the windows closed or someone will catch
the breeze flowing through my place. Time to shine.

New car on hold, for now

Well, I tried, and can't get a new car for the time being. Nice to
know where I stand, and that my financial situation just needs a
little additional focus before I can invest in better transportation.
My daughter started her ESL classes and it will take time. She's just
a very happy spirit around me lately. Very nervous about my family
visit at the end of the week. It will be here very quickly especially
since I will have to get my workload in order, hand it off to someone
else just so I can be free. My diet is pretty good, and drinking kind
of under control. I haven't been to the gym in months, but have lost
weight. The gym got my metabolism back on track, and the healthy diet
took care of the rest. I still hope to make it back to the gym later
this month and continue to make progress on my health and shape before
the winter arrives. And distract me from my savings as I try to save
as much as possible and guarentee a better year to come.

Ready for that car

Family will arrive a week from now. And my funds are drying up too
quick. I must save for the next few weeks. Anyways, I want that car
now. Maybe I can't have it, but at least I know that I'll have it for
the remainder of the summer and plan accordingly. The dealership said
it will take about 2-4 weeks to deliver. That means the week of April
21st. I imagine I'll just set the Navi and head straight for the
coast, or the mountains. I'll need a tent, and my grill.

Recession Refuge

Wrote an annual budget for the coming year. Never count the chickens
until they hatch. Especially when there is a fox in the hen house.
I've been too generous. To my friends, family, and self. Cooking at
home and drinking less is easy said than done. Hangover. First a lot
of thinking, then a lot of drinking. But in my life's experience,
every time I've sat down to budget, the results are positive. Either
it saves me from bad decisions, or just saves a lot of money. I'm
under pressure from my extended family to provide more support, but at
least now I know my limits and what is and isn't possible to do for
all of them.

backstabbers

Well, a bit out of control, but you know I can't remember that the
last time haven't I been. Last night was interesting, ultimately
aimless. A college graduation and farewell party. The generation gap
is pretty apparent. I felt pretty old around all those college
students.

Anyways prior to that, I was with my Senegalese brothers were pretty
upset with a bad situation in their community. My friend invited a
guest from Senegal who overstayed his Visa. His guest never told him.
And was depending on many other people to hide his secret. Well, he
had a roommate with another Senegalese guy. This other guy brought a
girl home and basically started to rape the girl. The guest physically
stopped him and threatened him with a lash of a weapon. The guest
angrily left the house and the roommate called the cops on him and
told them he overstayed his Visa. They took them both to the station
and the guest is getting deported. The fallout seems pretty bad,
because the roommate is now the disgrace of the African community in
Tokyo. No one understands how one of us can call the cops on our
own... I think the guy is in a lot of trouble and can't show his face
in Tokyo ever. Meanwhile the Senegalese guest is sitting in a
detention center waiting to get deported. Sigh... My friend is under a
stress and pressure from his friends and family to help his guest out
and settle the score with the double-crosser.

Time after Time won't give me Time

Went car shopping yesterday to a Subaru dealer. Looking at the Subaru
Impreza Anesis 2.0i-s. Always feels good when shopping for a new car.
It isn't really a good time since my mom will be here in 2 weeks and
I'll have to purchase soon afterwards. I'd be better off getting my
things from storage. "...the pressure is on it will never stop." Party
with the ladies tonight. I really don't know if and how much I'll
enjoy myself tonight since work demands a midnight call and I doubt I
will be a good position to take advantage of the evening. No doubt
someone else will. I should't care since the car should liberate me by
the end of the summer.

The Wiz

I used to be a video game nut. It was my drug. My call sign was Wiz.
When ever I got on the top scoreboard, it was just a fast and easy
three letter name that suited me at the time.

It wasn't named after the movie the Wiz, but it was around the same
time. It was in that movie when Michael Jackson's adult persona first
caught my attention. Even as a pre-teen I wondered what happened to
that guy? I think we knew even then there was something peculiar about
him. However nothing was peculiar about his music genius that we grew
up to. How Off The Wall how primed the world for Thriller. But all the
love and pride of the black community couldn't shelter him or us the
embarrassment of his notoriety.

Recently my 11 year old discovered the Wiz, and used to opportunity to
tell her who Michael Jackson was. She turn to me and asked "Is he a
girl?" Honestly coming of age and the most visible male black star
resembled a woman puzzled me. But now we all know what an androgynous
and weird person he was, perhaps even gay.

On a day like this, one we knew would eventually arrive, we still
reel. But not from the end of his life, but what his music meant to us
during his life, during our youth. Songs from the Jackson 5, young
Michael, Off the Wall, and Thriller all wake up the extremely strong
memories of those days that have long since past. Memories his musical
legacy has etched upon the collective conscious of so many around the
world.

Well well, things are getting better

I had a nice date. Refreshing actually. Up front she was about needing
to return to the guy who is really after her. But nice enough to
invite friends who are ready to go out with me later. Stunning they
all were and imagine that my friends will remember the evening well.
Respectful and considerate was the neighborhood and hope this is a
sign of things to come. Computer crashed got a new one. Lost my mobile
phone got a new one. All refreshing.

Spring Fever Hunter

Now the rainy season. Feels tropically humid when the sun comes out. I
was starving from senseless deprivation. Until I met a very nice
Japanese American girl on Sunday. Actually she's white American raised
Japanese... not your typical girl at all. In fact she has a very
complex personality, just like mine. I told her that we are
bi-cultural. Trying to make friends but she's leaving soon for Europe.
Still trying to see what if any type of friendship is possible, now or
later. Or just keeping my axe sharp, and flowing through the concrete
jungle hunting for love.

Wishing on a star

Looks like my angst about my vacation getting denied is gone. 3 weeks
before they arrive. I wrote her 3 more long messages about Japan and
Africa. I should write a book... really.

I may post them here if I find the time to correct all the grammatical
mistakes and open myself to criticism for the strong opinions and
generalizations I expressed about my journeys.

I'm getting desperate to meet someone, and am trying to be strong. I
don't how those other guys do it, just walking up to a girl
introducing themselves and making a date. How to do it, what to say,
what to do, when to do it...

She posted a picture of a black guy in China on Facebook. It was meant
for me. He was from Boston and I got that strange jealous feeling like
I should be the only man in her life. Then I got a grip and realized
she's a professional and must have many colleagues. But the guy was
from Mass like me, and also in Asia. But I felt it strange to be
associated with him, because Japan is not China, and so on. Well, I
wrote my letters explaining so much about Japan that I think there
won't be a doubt about what this place is like, and not like China.

Nice to have her to think about though. Even now, just the fact that
I'm expressing myself is like a mental log jam broke. I just wish that
log jam would break in my actual life.

I've avoided the gym and gone straight home to cook 3 days in a row.
Watching movies that I can't finish, jumping straight into a video
game until I have the courage to attempt sleep. I couldn't sleep, woke
up after only 1 hour and started working. 4am, got tired woke up late
as usual.

Would it be different if I had a partner? I imagine so,... first of
all any affection would be like a fantasy come true. Any love would
help me sleep. Or maybe I'd marathon 'do it' until the morning.

Considering heading to the countryside this weekend. Why not... I've
gone almost 45 weeks without leaving the city, and that is a ballpark
figure not even thinking about it. But it may be more. I know because
I traveled down South a 3-day weekend in July of last year, and its
already the end of June. (sigh, just escape this place man... before
my mom gets here) but I know I won't... she'll be here soon. I hope I
heal by then, during her visit... make me feel better like only mom
can.

Lost love eclipses recent angst

I told my friend that I didn't appreciate him bringing up my ex-girlfriend. He said he didn't know why he did that.

Anyways, I got an email message from long lost love Dawn. The best thing to happen to me in recent memory. I wrote back a pretty long message. Her response was really nice. She wanted to know more, and I sent a couple of others. It has eclipsed my angst about my ex. For all the heart I poured into that relationship mostly out of desperation, she means nothing to me. Dawn was my match made in heaven and first love. We never had a formal date but know we really cared for one another. I think about her everyday. She's married beautiful daughters, and sounds like she has a good man.

My mom will arrive to visit and arrive next month. Her first time to Japan, the only time she's allowed to take off, not to mention I haven't seen her in years. My job seems insensitive to that and seem to be thinking about giving me time off. I have a lot of trouble arranging my coverage with the global team, and having them trump all that has me caged. I cover global, but global isn't able to cover me. I'm on edge and getting emotional about it. Caged. Enslaved. Confined to this place. Feels like they want to see me fight for my rights, stand up to them, or just quit.

We're forced to take a furlough unpaid time off to save the company money. But since we've done so, it seems my fears were right on, they're not supportive of our paid time off.

How Long to Sing This Song?

Still obsessed with the recent encounter between my best mate and my former mate. I think there was a certain amount of disrespect and arrongance on his part, and know there was an air of 'there is something wrong with that guy between them'... no doubt about it. Maybe my horoscope is right that envy is at play. Well that angst held until I got to our dinner party with the my group. I sat across from my immediate colleagues.. It was about an hour until I smiled and that smile lasted the rest of the evening. I bumped into my African American friend and shared my angst when buying a bite to eat. Last night I met this old man, and later a young woman. The old man said I should reconcile with my ex wife. He was a bit probing, and I realized he had no respect for my privacy and which may be an understatement. I waved him off when he started asking for specific names. The young woman came home with me, but like Murphy's law, I wasn't ready, but should have been. At the dinner my director politely also said I should reconcile. Whatever, right? More about the young woman; I know she works at the local live jazz bar. Certain that my ex-girlfriend is in orbit around there too. Small world and would hate my ex to sink what little credibility I have around here. Especially when I'm trying to refresh my experience through new friends.

At my favorite bar, a guy I know agreed to host mom and younger brother and I in Nagano next month and visit the tradition UNESCO settlement near there. I expect it to be a very wicked and fulfilling experience for us all. Nice that my directory also appreciates that goal. I told him I went to Mt. Koya in Wakayama-ken. I am at a favorite bar and wondering if I should tell my best mate that I don't appreciate him telling me that he renewed his friendship with my ex girlfriend. If I do it will be a tense evening. But what the FUCK, I don't give a shit. Like I said, arrogance. My other ex girlfriend best friend is here and her boyfriend who's I can never remember is here is DJing. I'm thinking about my mom, and how she'll appreciate the classic R&B. It never ceases to amaze me how younger Japanese love black music that is older than me. Such an experience may prove very flattering to Mummy.

I still still have quite a bit of angst about my drought, bad memories of my ex, and endless thoughts about my daughter ESL and our lack of communication.

Selfish as it may seem, I just need some genuine affection, or at least something more or less than all that. As U2 once said, "How Long to Sing This Song?"

Ex-Girlfriend in Orbit like Space Junk

I should start this entry with something my best friend asked me in 2006. "Am I taking advantage of her?" Considering my haste and poor judgement when dating a promiscuous 22 year old, perhaps I was unconciously doing so. Hanging out with Mr Lamp, he brings her up, that she's still around. They were friendly, and she is also being that way with my other aquaintences. Concern that she's in orbit around my friends and family, and will be forever. I think about how I try to forget her, but she's grasping at straws around me, and looking for an opportunity to remind everyone and me that she's still there. Why do life's choices have such enduring consequences? My angst is still there, I was taken advantage of. Full circle to my best friends question to me when I was first getting involved. Who was taking advantage of whom. If it were me, it was being seen with a young lady. Also finding an escape from the clutches of my ex-wife, the legacy of a 20 year consequence. Like my auntie once told me, if you chase a woman she'll take full advantage of you. Well, if it weren't them, it would have been someone else. C'est la vie?

I called my younger brother. It was a good discussion and a bit of hype. He and my mom will arrive 1 month from now. I spice it with a bit of hype and optimism. He is excited, and I think we will have a good time and it will be rewarding for us all. And that parasite of an ex-girlfriend in orbit around me is just that, in orbit, not on my launch pad, kind of circling me like space junk.

Daughter's ESL

Fussed with my ex-wife today about my daughter not speaking English. Tough conversation. Tough love. Way way overdue. I've made many poor, irresponsible and bad decisions over the past 7 years. But the foundation was flawed from the beginning. I put my faith and trust in what I was doing, not realizing that I was set up to fail. Why a journal now. Like my last one, I foresee a climax of some sort. I hope a window of

I tried to make new friends with this couple, but my aims were insincere, and the response from the guy was probabably what I would have said, years ago in my past experience... with a flirtatious selfish type of woman that he is with.

30 days before my mom arrives and with my younger brother. I worry about this trip, but know it will help or hurt my cause. Perhaps both. In the sense that my mom will support my return home. But any imminent move will be fraught with anxiety, uncertainty and risk... which is about the way I arrived. I guess what goes around comes around. But I've taken 5 steps forward, and feel I will be 100 steps back. What a waste of opportuniy. And after all everything I've sought to avoid may rear its ugly head, with my family cheering my teenage daughters all the way to rebellion.