Desire led to Despair

Desire led to Despair. My fleeting moments were passion, which I desired, yet desperate, hence despair. 

Fiction follows: (source: wikipedia: endless: desire|despair)

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Desire is the third youngest of the Endless and the twin of Despair. It is a strikingly beautiful figure whose gender is mutable, becoming male, female, both, or neither as the situation warrants. It is often referred to as "sister-brother" by its siblings, particularly Dream. Desire blends in effortlessly with whatever environment it finds itself in. It lives in the heart of a massive flesh-and-blood statue of itself, known as the Threshold. Indeed, further strengthening the connection to hearts, Desire's sigil in the galleries of the other Endless is a heart of cut glass.

Desire is described as being of medium height, smelling faintly of summer peaches. Desire casts two shadows, one black and sharp, the other translucent and wavering. Desire's smiles are brief and sharp. Its skin is "pale as smoke," and its eyes are "tawny and sharp as yellow wine."

Desire is easily the cruelest of the Endless. It seems obsessed with interfering with the affairs of its elder siblings, particularly Dream. The motivation behind this is not clear, but seems to be simply a variation on childish teasing. Desire is not exactly unaware of the consequences of its actions, but considers those consequences ultimately unimportant, a position which angers Morpheus and Death in particular. Desire sometimes acts in concert with Despair and Delirium; the relationship is not clear, however, and Desire is much more distant from its siblings than Despair or Delirium.

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Despair is the twin sister of Desire. She is squat, flabby and pale-skinned, with black hair, gray eyes, and pointed teeth. Her voice is little more than a whisper, and she has no odor, but her shadow smells musky and pungent, like the skin of a snake. She does not wear clothes. On a finger of her left hand she wears a ring with a hook attached to it, with which she habitually carves her flesh. The hook is her sigil in the galleries of the other characters. Her realm is a gray space in which floats a white fog and countless mirrors, which are connected to mirrors in the human world, through which she looks on those who are in despair. The only other inhabitants of her realm are her pet rats.

Wicked intimate and personal

Although something I obliously would never say here. Well besides that, I'm in love. An inspirational love of a lifetime that wills itself to last that long, never to let it go or forget. My container finally arrived. The goods are priceless, and perhaps valuable too. I unpacked as much as possible to air the stuff out. I am parked just sitting here waiting for her to be free. Rain outside just glad I'm dry. sign

For You

Come inside and share my love. I have never shared my love before. I
have never been in love. I do not open up to many. When I do, I just
get stabbed in my soft parts. I wear a shell around my heart made of
stone and I discard it when I am alone with you. Where did this hard
man came from and how he can be so cold on the outside. It is because
I have not had a dream in a long time. See this life I have had can
make a good man turn bad. So please, please, please let me get what I
want this time. Lord knows it would be the first time. There is a warm
man on the inside.

When you said you cared, it touched my soul. No one has ever cared
enough to say so. It touches my soul. I hope there will never be
another. I meet many and as I get to know them, they begin to believe
they know me better than I know myself. I back off and would rather
not know them at all. I want you to know me better than I know myself
just as I would like to get to know you.

Let's not put faith in marriage and simply believe in us. It is not a
piece of paper or a ring that are the bonds of love, it is you and I.
Believe in the future and do not look back; the past is no friend of
ours. I believe in children because they are the future. Marriage is
for children. Until then I will be your hopeless romantic.

billbill, 1997

All has not been what it seems

The townsman was puzzled by the mirror. No matter how hard and long he
looked at it, he couldn't tell which side was real and which side was
the imitation. What he did know was the one he watched had a
reflection of himself and the world around him and found it very
gratifying since these images were proof of his existence. So, he
decided that the reflection was his world instead of the world that he
lived in.

As he stared into the mirror, it glowed and its reflection changed
absorbing him into its reality. In this other reality, his
imperfections were gone. Time lost its meaning since everything ceased
to age. In triumph and self-glorification, he lived out his fantasies
unchallenged by life as he once knew it.

Upon detaching himself from the reality of the mirror, he saw that the
world around him had changed while he had not, as if life had somehow
passed him by. Confused, he closely inspected the images in the mirror
noticing that they were neither reality nor a reflection of it.
Instead, his TV displayed a crude mockery of his world on a stage with
him as its naive audience. He resigned himself to ponder how he could
have ever been fooled by such a cheap imitation of life with all of
the wonders that the real world had to offer.

Texas Pilot in a Time Capsule

I am anybody in a crowd of people in the middle of nowhere

Games people play not wanting to play not wanting to give in just to be somebody

Holding on to what is left behind from a past never to return

Friction of the environment wears away what is left

Always afraid to be nobody

Dreams do come true

Hubris risk and folly

I'll love you again tomorrow. Today is a bit too soon. I need you, but
some of the things I saw, the scale and depth of sin city, the
organized criminal nature of it all, made me sad that such a place and
life exists. Especially that you're familiar with it. As friends and
lovers does that mean I'm there too. Am I naively straying into
treacherous waters that and stormy weather. Shall my ship ever capsize
pray I won't be stranded on such corrupt shores. Pray a real love will
will eclipse the insane risks that abound.

Aquarius Risings!

Michael Lutin Apr 27, 2010

AQUARIANS!

Aquarius Risings!

And Everybody else,too,

because we all have Aquarius somewhere on our charts:

This next ten month period will be probably

one of the great turning points in your life.

Talk about a crazy gamble!

For an astrologically technical reason

this position of Uranus at the end of Pisces

makes the area of the horoscope

where Aquarius falls

(as well as Pisces, of course)

a special hot spot.

Strange turns of events

and last minute mind-blowing reversals

will mark the area forever when you look back upon it.

Nobody can predict this one.

It's just a total roll of the dice.

Strength

Somehow I emerge from the fog of the past month. I'm not out of the
hole yet, but at least my hands are on the rung of the ladder. With a
bit of strength and resolve, I can be back on my feet, both planted
firmly on the ground in June. What matters is how I manage my liasons.
The first is the one I have made the most of, and why I'm still in the
hole. I'd like to be there, but I can't afford to care like I want to,
barring a miracle save. Yet, the affection is real, and I love it. My
distraction is travel to the place of angst from a previous life of
mine. Time to see how far I've traveled and if I can stomach the
reality of being associated with a life and people I ran from over 10
years ago. The strength I need is to settle down and take life as it
comes, and not force it wasting my time and money in the process.
Somehow figure out how to make quality time and people, instead of
wasting time on people.

Bitter Rain

My extended team is a bunch of biased brain dead bureaucrats, including me. I am in the midst of a long crawl out of my own hole. I am a mess. A selfish, impulsive, greedy lunatic. It seems like any thing I do taxes me 200 percent, leaving me with half as much cash. My obsession with women is stupid. Are they creatures or people? Do they care or dare? I feel like a fool and loser with no confidence lacking ease which keeps me at the mercy of my libido and parasitic better half. I wonder how I am going to survive the next 10 days? Paradise may follow. But at what cost?

Goals met goals set, unfulfilled without any progress or gain

Financials goals not met, material goals set and met. The combination has left me broke yet fulfilled I kept a commitment to myself, to receive an international shipment of my household goods. There are still steps I must take to complete the process. My endless stumbling and bumbling around here, and escaping elsewhere almost put that plan in jeopardy, thus broke. A let down after the fact was losing my wallet and cancelling my credit card. Yet that is a wake up call and a blessing in disguise. The wake up call is I need to settle down, and if I make a mistake no one will help me. The blessing in disguise is that without my credit card, I can't spend more money than I have even though I'm broke.

I must travel abroad to process customs. I invited my family but that seems to be opportunistic on my spouses behalf. Always eager to take advantage of something that someone can do for her. The pressure is still on, and I want it to stop. The trip is meant to process customs, which even she can't help me with, but taking advantage of it for the opportunities sake. And now planning to reform our condominium. Again, what is the end game for stabilizing our home. Will I get any more leeway in regards to privacy and usage of the entire home? I doubt it. A lot of effort and a lot to spend, yet also a lot of feeling continually used and no love, respect or any way out. Goals met goals set, feeling extremely unfulfilled lacking any real progress or gain.