Big D

Well, signed the big D today. Feels pretty bad actually. The implications, the pressure, the loss. Feels like I'm dying. How long before I feel born again?

Pisces in Chiron

Michael Lutin (timely)

"Chiron in Pisces 

18 November 12: Some people think I'm dark and negative. Fact is, this is a very somber moment and I am trying try to be as real and as authentic as possible. This happens to be a rather sad moment for each person in their own private way. A few serious realizations have bobbed up to the surface and there is little sense talking spiritual gibberish when people are in secret pain.
It's not funny at all. We could make some crass jokes about what is happening, the way you just burst out laughing at a funeral although you mean no harm or disrespect. In fact people are making some pretty vulgar and stupid comments about what is going on, mainly because it IS a sad moment and difficult to cope with. 

When you look at the reality of the situation, not only in the world
but in your own life right now, you have to see that there is a touch of tragedy here.
This is the place to start. At least you're not in denial, and you can set about to right wrongs,
make amends, show kindness and begin to develop a strategy for how to cope with the next part,
which is going to be a rite of passage. Once you can identify and face the source and depth of the wound, then slowly,

slowly
slowly

you can begin the process of healing.

But it's not going to be fast. This will be page where it will all unfold. Be patient. It will be worth it.

19 Nov 2012 DAILY FIX

Over the next few years you are probably gong to be traveling into the unconscious realms, most likely deeper thant you have possibly ever gone. There lies a sunken treasure at the bottom of this private ocean, but wow! is it ever scary and dangerous down there. And all this from the mere transit of Chiron in Pisces.Just think of how much insight and pride in yourself exists at the bottom of that ocean. For now, you must descend slowly into the depths of your own being with the position of neptune and Chiron both in that noble sign.

An odd occurrence has taken place. Pisces is part of your horoscope which has now seceded from the rest of your astrological chart. Neptune has captured it and has swum away with it. Pisces remains now unto itself, apart, rather alone but often content. Neptune and Chiron pull Pisces along, and while it's separate and private, it help syou heal a very very very deep wound. And it will succeed. Just not by taking a couple of pills or downing a frozen margarita at breakfast, alhough, who knows, sometimes that helps.

Forgiveness--is it a sign of a highly evolved and spiritually wealthy being? Or is it the product of the naiveté of a chump who is in it to be slapped, demeaned and annihilated over and over again? Don't answer that too fast."

breakthrough, but very foggy

My way overdue tax is in the mail, and most likely also the invoice from my accountants back to me. On the verge of divorce. All my friends lost to me. My girlfriend no response after a month of bliss together. I got assaulted last month and my bicycle stolen at the same time because my friends misunderstood me. Is this an actual bottom hitting a true bounce? Or an endless pit? 

Sad my daughters feel my pain. Not the first time but how pitiful I must seem to them. My soon to be ex-wife playing for a fool of me in front of them. My next wife playing me just the same perhaps. I don't what I am doing or why. Just a radical change on my gut feeling not knowing where it will lead. One day leads to another. One week leads to the next. But within the next month, I hope the fog clears. Sigh

9/27

Pisces from Metropolis, 9/27

Forced change is a current Piscean theme. None of the Fishies are allowed to swim downstream for the moment. Your muscles are growing on every level—mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. The leap on everyone's lips is pivotal for you. You can make it to the other side, and you must remind yourself of that. Sunday's Full Moon brings finances and a drive to create them into hyperforce.
(Let's Hope)

Cold War

This week I'm in the black for the first time in three years. Catching up on my tax filings, but going through a bad time at home leading to separation and divorce. The cold war is escalating. There is nothing to say except the 500 pound gorilla who is my wife, trying to intimidate me and manipulate everyone and everything around us to no end. But the end is clear, and the end is near. It won't be nice or easy, but as far as the type of person she is, I know I'm doing the right thing. The bottom line is all these years of trying to make her happy, she's been using me, thinking of herself, forcing me to sacrifice while she keeps the spoils. Now that I see things clearly, she is speechless, at a loss for words, and kind of at a loss for everything that she wanted and now can't have. 

Winner?

She thinks she wins again by default. Maybe so. What a consistent play. Act coy, take no responsibility. And all other challengers shrink in light of such callous shallow bravado. But once confronted with what will be lost once I choose to one up such ridiculousness... money in hand, nothing to lose but the end of my life. Well, that being said, I think that is the inevitability she is betting on. Sad but true. Before then run like hell. 

Metro 6/21

Your blood heats up and your pulse is racing. You've just discovered the thrill of Neptune washing over you as Uranus keeps your dreams in technicolor. This is a live action film of your own making. Who are your friends? Are they trailblazers? Do they accept your trials and efforts to reach the top? Or are they desperate to have things go their way? You live your life with the choices you make each and every day.

(I wonder who this is, I can think of four people)

Doubt

I have my doubts. Lots of hints, hunches and the like. Anything less subtle would be ominous. This be the vortex, about to cross the threshold. Have to remember what happened last time, around this same time. Hopeful but fraught with suspicion that I swept aside yet the peril never went away. I am in familiar territory. I don't know who to talk to or what do. Pray 6/21 solstice. Bow to the summer. July 1st will know.

Tax timing

Finally getting down to reconciling my taxes. A positive move and distraction from my relationship issues. Home is a cold front and war. Friends are like the old saying, with friends like those, who needs enemies. Love is fraught with anxiety, angst and fear. Fleeting moments of romance, bliss, love and sex. Not sure what to believe. The birthday will be a milestone. After that I may have to ask tough questions.

So I'm feeling good about getting my act together, and will give me the confidence to make the right move in the right way. I hope I'm not getting played. It will be the final straw. Work is positive giving me support to reconcile my taxes, and will be a step in the direction of eventually visiting home with confidence.

Relationships - Take3

Michael Lutin

June 2012

To be happy and prosperous, use Feng Shui measures on the place you are living in. That draws positive energy and life (sometimes relatives) to your home. What an irony, though. Once you become prosperous you're too successful to stay home to enjoy it. It interferes with the agoraphobia of Pisceans who want to affect society but then be left alone. 

Relationships - Take2

Metropolis Tokyo

New people and events come into your life this week. The lunar eclipse on Monday intensifies the Venus eclipse of the Sun. Cosmically-attuned as you are, anything could happen. With this in mind, spend time focusing on what feels most comfortable for you. Visualize your fulfilling future now. Be open to a love that breaks all the rules. Most of all, be kind to yourself. Your life is about to change dramatically.

Relationships

Michael Lutin

Thursday 31 may

We are moving between two eclipses now. 

This is the beginning of a major turning point in life.

Starting now and through the next three to four months, it will likely be unsettled and awkward.

This is a rite of passage and when it's over all you will be left with is how you handled the relationships you have gotten yourself into.

(wonder what this means)

A woman scorned

There is something wrong here. I'm worried that I upset the balance in the universe, specifically a person's view of the universe. I've been under surveillance, and speaking frankly with her I see a side of her that has been under wraps forever. An emotionally unstable and insecure person. Now she is scorned, vicious and irrational. And self centered and narcissistic as ever. Her mood swings are like a chemical imbalance. Self preservation is what it all really amounts to. How does it feel to be used my entire life? Ask me in September. 

Almost there

I've been making strides in reaching my financial, personal and ideal goals. It looks like July will be sound. Even now I'm stable enough to plan my mid-term goals with confidence. The love life in my life is satisfying and real. I often worry and challenge any assumptions on my end, but on her end she reassures me which means I'm the one with issues. My issues are the result of doubt and guilt regarding my situation. But I honestly can't be thankful enough regarding all of this.

Roadblocks and Soul Searching

Small light at the end of the tunnel. Major roadblocks and soul searching to go with it. Confusion, endless thoughts of where she is and what I should do about it. While fretting about the future of my beautiful girls.

Summer solstice?

For all my angst and effort, my bad habits remain, my nemesis spouse is persistent, and my hope remains alive and inspirational. She is my new ray of light, but one I don't want to see dim or disappear. Summer solstice chance for an escape, a re-evolution? My recent efforts regarding the countdown to results got really great results as far as my physical condition is concerned. I'm in as good a shape as I was when I was 25, 20 years ago. My mentality and career are normally great tracks. But my finances are on edge, actually in real jeopardy that everyone will notice. It won't be until late spring that I recover. But ''m confident that my girl will keep me happy and alive through this. Plus ohanami and spring in general.

Day 40 and 39

40 was Friday and got some good time in. But after that, ruined my Friday, Saturday and perhaps early spring. I met her on Sunday and it was really nice, and why I couldn't wait and risked it all left me depressed. So much so skipped work Monday. Today Tuesday day 39, quite anxious about the near future. That and Whitney's passing has been quite unsettling. She picks me up, I need to keep my head up.

Day 45 - 41

I got day 45 (Thu) in. Skipped work and gym Friday. Friday evening I hung out with the big guy at Mishima and Baobab, I think. Went home early to make sure I was energetic for my Saturday movie date with Nori. My bicycle was broken and couldn't find the time to take it to the bicycle shop. I left it locked next to Marui. I got on the train, took my bag with change of drawers just in case, headphones, but no iPad. So a lot of weight for nothing, so I put it in a locker. We saw tower heist and walker around Roppongi Hills freezing without a plan. Nori finally suggested Kichijoji which was ok, but wasn't sure what to do or how. We got off the train and she grabbed my arm, asking if that was ok. Sure. But ducked into the Peppermint Cafe as a safe landing. As usual the guys were happy to see me. And she was pleased by that. Then my bro called and said they were at Mishima. We finished dinner around 9:00pm and headed over. She met the guys and was as giddy as I was nervous. This led to Baobab as a group and finally Cheeky just three of us, meeting the owner. I had to peel here out of the place, especially since the big guy was acting jealous and like he wanted to intercept. Nice she could withstand all of that and stick by me. And everyone was thrilled to meet her. Ducked into our place and rested well past dawn. That night she said extremely happy and pleased. Me too.

44 Mon weight training. 43 Tue aerobic and walked to Shibuya to meet her BFF. Both from Aomori, but how did they meet. Harley bikers from their youthful day. My stomach sank, but mostly because thoughts of envy to the adventure of all that. Her BFF's husband was in the same unit as I was in Misawa and even though he wasn't there I would guess we would hit it off. However the combined knowledge of Nori's past would unsettle me, but for once I'm thankful I'm last up instead of one of those along the way.

42 Wed hung at Mishima and Baobad. 41 Thu difficult to get up and out of the house. Very late to the office, but brought my gym gear. My stomach and lower back fat is disappearing. I miss her already and can't wait to see her again. I'll try take the pressure off and stop by Hooters this evening.

Day 53-46

Day 53 Jan 18 I went after partying all night and missing work too. Was on call but didn't get any, but I made sure I went out again. Day 52 stayed home again but made sure I went by the JR. Day 51 I went again and met Tom to go to Hooters. We went to a dance club which was kind of empty but nice. At the end I met someone really nice but made sure I made the last train since I was on call. Day 50 Friday I went back to follow up with my new friend. Well there was an unofficial day 49 for Saturday. Left my gear at the gym and had to pick it up feeling great.

I only went Mon 48 and met her again on Thursday with no affect, but really nice. Kept it simple and skipped Friday, Sat, Mon. Tue 47 and Wed 46 (today), back at it feeling strong even though I'm behind schedule.

Days 57-54

Day 57 I made it to the gym again, did upper and lower body, 1 hour of cardio, protein then Iseya after work.
Day 56 I did an hour of cardio, the session seem to go by faster and faster.
Day 55 I had a very long session, of 1 full hour of weights that may have set the standard. And a full hour of cardio. After that I began my weekend of fun, but the weeks efforts left me quite exhausted and I fell asleep early. Sunday my day off I was still very sleepy and fell asleep early. I ate and drank a lot.

Monday, Day 54 the Harajuku gym was closed. So I walked with this nice lady named Ana, mixed Swedish and Korean, to the Ometesando branch which I haven't been to in over a year. Since Harajuku was closed it was very crowed. I met some guys I knew but haven't seen in a while, who acted disappointed I changed gyms, but that was it, I don't like being conscious of people looking over my shoulder when I worked out. The machines are different at this club so it took some conscious consideration to choose my exercises. The cardio went by pretty quickly when doing some reading, either time flies or I read really slow. I met the guy Victor who visited my office a month ago and he finally recognized me as someone he met at the gym. I shortcut my cardio workout by about 15 minutes, to 45 minutes. When leaving there was a line of about 10 people waiting for an open locker; the first time I've ever seen them all taken at once.

Following that I went to Baobab which had a guy there, who clown me about teenage daughters. Rude. Beer, plus jerk Chicken as usual, but it I feel contrived as a customer. Wanted to eat bread and cheese bought some wine. At home Thai curry was available, reluctantly ate some, then bread cheese wine, listened to the Rolling Stones and watched the Flintstones before bed. Had a wild long dream I can hardly remember, woke up early, went back to sleep and woke up late. Did laundry and left for work without hanging them out.

Tonight's plan to go to Harmonica, or someplace more people friendly, someplace I won't feel like a prop. Also relief from the cold weather that continues to get on my nerves.

Day 58

55 min treadmill
Recovery protein drink, beer jerk chicken Baobab

Cash on hand 3000 Expendable 30000

Day 59

4 sets of shoulders chest squat thighs
1 hour treadmill
88 kilograms

Recovery: Aretha Franklin Amazing Grace. Beer plus two yakitori at Iseya

Cash on hand: 5400 Expendable: 30000

A month from now, before and after (not my pic)

A month or so from now I hope and imagine I'll finally be in a different zone. Corny as it may sound, my horoscope says so. Well, it would be all of us in one way or another. The difference regarding mine is the change looks damn positive. Even at the home stretch, and man it really is a stretch, I am coming out of debt. I put on about 8 kilograms over the holidays, that is about 20 pounds. Shocking went shopping and I couldn't fit what I wanted. I was busy over the holidays and ate and drank more than usual. Now I face a month of working out and trying to get back into fighting shape. Good news is that I finally got a locker at the gym. That has been an excuse not to go having to lug my laptop around all the time, along with my gym gear. I wonder if I'm going to be able to work out as often as I like, as often as I should. The weather is pretty dry and cold, and simply looking forward to the spring and being in good shape is some great motivation. I've been wanting to take a decent before and after picture. However those picture will be incomplete if it doesn't incorporate and include the sense of renewal and confidence I expect to go with it.