backstabbers

Well, a bit out of control, but you know I can't remember that the
last time haven't I been. Last night was interesting, ultimately
aimless. A college graduation and farewell party. The generation gap
is pretty apparent. I felt pretty old around all those college
students.

Anyways prior to that, I was with my Senegalese brothers were pretty
upset with a bad situation in their community. My friend invited a
guest from Senegal who overstayed his Visa. His guest never told him.
And was depending on many other people to hide his secret. Well, he
had a roommate with another Senegalese guy. This other guy brought a
girl home and basically started to rape the girl. The guest physically
stopped him and threatened him with a lash of a weapon. The guest
angrily left the house and the roommate called the cops on him and
told them he overstayed his Visa. They took them both to the station
and the guest is getting deported. The fallout seems pretty bad,
because the roommate is now the disgrace of the African community in
Tokyo. No one understands how one of us can call the cops on our
own... I think the guy is in a lot of trouble and can't show his face
in Tokyo ever. Meanwhile the Senegalese guest is sitting in a
detention center waiting to get deported. Sigh... My friend is under a
stress and pressure from his friends and family to help his guest out
and settle the score with the double-crosser.

Time after Time won't give me Time

Went car shopping yesterday to a Subaru dealer. Looking at the Subaru
Impreza Anesis 2.0i-s. Always feels good when shopping for a new car.
It isn't really a good time since my mom will be here in 2 weeks and
I'll have to purchase soon afterwards. I'd be better off getting my
things from storage. "...the pressure is on it will never stop." Party
with the ladies tonight. I really don't know if and how much I'll
enjoy myself tonight since work demands a midnight call and I doubt I
will be a good position to take advantage of the evening. No doubt
someone else will. I should't care since the car should liberate me by
the end of the summer.

The Wiz

I used to be a video game nut. It was my drug. My call sign was Wiz.
When ever I got on the top scoreboard, it was just a fast and easy
three letter name that suited me at the time.

It wasn't named after the movie the Wiz, but it was around the same
time. It was in that movie when Michael Jackson's adult persona first
caught my attention. Even as a pre-teen I wondered what happened to
that guy? I think we knew even then there was something peculiar about
him. However nothing was peculiar about his music genius that we grew
up to. How Off The Wall how primed the world for Thriller. But all the
love and pride of the black community couldn't shelter him or us the
embarrassment of his notoriety.

Recently my 11 year old discovered the Wiz, and used to opportunity to
tell her who Michael Jackson was. She turn to me and asked "Is he a
girl?" Honestly coming of age and the most visible male black star
resembled a woman puzzled me. But now we all know what an androgynous
and weird person he was, perhaps even gay.

On a day like this, one we knew would eventually arrive, we still
reel. But not from the end of his life, but what his music meant to us
during his life, during our youth. Songs from the Jackson 5, young
Michael, Off the Wall, and Thriller all wake up the extremely strong
memories of those days that have long since past. Memories his musical
legacy has etched upon the collective conscious of so many around the
world.

Well well, things are getting better

I had a nice date. Refreshing actually. Up front she was about needing
to return to the guy who is really after her. But nice enough to
invite friends who are ready to go out with me later. Stunning they
all were and imagine that my friends will remember the evening well.
Respectful and considerate was the neighborhood and hope this is a
sign of things to come. Computer crashed got a new one. Lost my mobile
phone got a new one. All refreshing.

Spring Fever Hunter

Now the rainy season. Feels tropically humid when the sun comes out. I
was starving from senseless deprivation. Until I met a very nice
Japanese American girl on Sunday. Actually she's white American raised
Japanese... not your typical girl at all. In fact she has a very
complex personality, just like mine. I told her that we are
bi-cultural. Trying to make friends but she's leaving soon for Europe.
Still trying to see what if any type of friendship is possible, now or
later. Or just keeping my axe sharp, and flowing through the concrete
jungle hunting for love.

Wishing on a star

Looks like my angst about my vacation getting denied is gone. 3 weeks
before they arrive. I wrote her 3 more long messages about Japan and
Africa. I should write a book... really.

I may post them here if I find the time to correct all the grammatical
mistakes and open myself to criticism for the strong opinions and
generalizations I expressed about my journeys.

I'm getting desperate to meet someone, and am trying to be strong. I
don't how those other guys do it, just walking up to a girl
introducing themselves and making a date. How to do it, what to say,
what to do, when to do it...

She posted a picture of a black guy in China on Facebook. It was meant
for me. He was from Boston and I got that strange jealous feeling like
I should be the only man in her life. Then I got a grip and realized
she's a professional and must have many colleagues. But the guy was
from Mass like me, and also in Asia. But I felt it strange to be
associated with him, because Japan is not China, and so on. Well, I
wrote my letters explaining so much about Japan that I think there
won't be a doubt about what this place is like, and not like China.

Nice to have her to think about though. Even now, just the fact that
I'm expressing myself is like a mental log jam broke. I just wish that
log jam would break in my actual life.

I've avoided the gym and gone straight home to cook 3 days in a row.
Watching movies that I can't finish, jumping straight into a video
game until I have the courage to attempt sleep. I couldn't sleep, woke
up after only 1 hour and started working. 4am, got tired woke up late
as usual.

Would it be different if I had a partner? I imagine so,... first of
all any affection would be like a fantasy come true. Any love would
help me sleep. Or maybe I'd marathon 'do it' until the morning.

Considering heading to the countryside this weekend. Why not... I've
gone almost 45 weeks without leaving the city, and that is a ballpark
figure not even thinking about it. But it may be more. I know because
I traveled down South a 3-day weekend in July of last year, and its
already the end of June. (sigh, just escape this place man... before
my mom gets here) but I know I won't... she'll be here soon. I hope I
heal by then, during her visit... make me feel better like only mom
can.

Lost love eclipses recent angst

I told my friend that I didn't appreciate him bringing up my ex-girlfriend. He said he didn't know why he did that.

Anyways, I got an email message from long lost love Dawn. The best thing to happen to me in recent memory. I wrote back a pretty long message. Her response was really nice. She wanted to know more, and I sent a couple of others. It has eclipsed my angst about my ex. For all the heart I poured into that relationship mostly out of desperation, she means nothing to me. Dawn was my match made in heaven and first love. We never had a formal date but know we really cared for one another. I think about her everyday. She's married beautiful daughters, and sounds like she has a good man.

My mom will arrive to visit and arrive next month. Her first time to Japan, the only time she's allowed to take off, not to mention I haven't seen her in years. My job seems insensitive to that and seem to be thinking about giving me time off. I have a lot of trouble arranging my coverage with the global team, and having them trump all that has me caged. I cover global, but global isn't able to cover me. I'm on edge and getting emotional about it. Caged. Enslaved. Confined to this place. Feels like they want to see me fight for my rights, stand up to them, or just quit.

We're forced to take a furlough unpaid time off to save the company money. But since we've done so, it seems my fears were right on, they're not supportive of our paid time off.

How Long to Sing This Song?

Still obsessed with the recent encounter between my best mate and my former mate. I think there was a certain amount of disrespect and arrongance on his part, and know there was an air of 'there is something wrong with that guy between them'... no doubt about it. Maybe my horoscope is right that envy is at play. Well that angst held until I got to our dinner party with the my group. I sat across from my immediate colleagues.. It was about an hour until I smiled and that smile lasted the rest of the evening. I bumped into my African American friend and shared my angst when buying a bite to eat. Last night I met this old man, and later a young woman. The old man said I should reconcile with my ex wife. He was a bit probing, and I realized he had no respect for my privacy and which may be an understatement. I waved him off when he started asking for specific names. The young woman came home with me, but like Murphy's law, I wasn't ready, but should have been. At the dinner my director politely also said I should reconcile. Whatever, right? More about the young woman; I know she works at the local live jazz bar. Certain that my ex-girlfriend is in orbit around there too. Small world and would hate my ex to sink what little credibility I have around here. Especially when I'm trying to refresh my experience through new friends.

At my favorite bar, a guy I know agreed to host mom and younger brother and I in Nagano next month and visit the tradition UNESCO settlement near there. I expect it to be a very wicked and fulfilling experience for us all. Nice that my directory also appreciates that goal. I told him I went to Mt. Koya in Wakayama-ken. I am at a favorite bar and wondering if I should tell my best mate that I don't appreciate him telling me that he renewed his friendship with my ex girlfriend. If I do it will be a tense evening. But what the FUCK, I don't give a shit. Like I said, arrogance. My other ex girlfriend best friend is here and her boyfriend who's I can never remember is here is DJing. I'm thinking about my mom, and how she'll appreciate the classic R&B. It never ceases to amaze me how younger Japanese love black music that is older than me. Such an experience may prove very flattering to Mummy.

I still still have quite a bit of angst about my drought, bad memories of my ex, and endless thoughts about my daughter ESL and our lack of communication.

Selfish as it may seem, I just need some genuine affection, or at least something more or less than all that. As U2 once said, "How Long to Sing This Song?"

Ex-Girlfriend in Orbit like Space Junk

I should start this entry with something my best friend asked me in 2006. "Am I taking advantage of her?" Considering my haste and poor judgement when dating a promiscuous 22 year old, perhaps I was unconciously doing so. Hanging out with Mr Lamp, he brings her up, that she's still around. They were friendly, and she is also being that way with my other aquaintences. Concern that she's in orbit around my friends and family, and will be forever. I think about how I try to forget her, but she's grasping at straws around me, and looking for an opportunity to remind everyone and me that she's still there. Why do life's choices have such enduring consequences? My angst is still there, I was taken advantage of. Full circle to my best friends question to me when I was first getting involved. Who was taking advantage of whom. If it were me, it was being seen with a young lady. Also finding an escape from the clutches of my ex-wife, the legacy of a 20 year consequence. Like my auntie once told me, if you chase a woman she'll take full advantage of you. Well, if it weren't them, it would have been someone else. C'est la vie?

I called my younger brother. It was a good discussion and a bit of hype. He and my mom will arrive 1 month from now. I spice it with a bit of hype and optimism. He is excited, and I think we will have a good time and it will be rewarding for us all. And that parasite of an ex-girlfriend in orbit around me is just that, in orbit, not on my launch pad, kind of circling me like space junk.

Daughter's ESL

Fussed with my ex-wife today about my daughter not speaking English. Tough conversation. Tough love. Way way overdue. I've made many poor, irresponsible and bad decisions over the past 7 years. But the foundation was flawed from the beginning. I put my faith and trust in what I was doing, not realizing that I was set up to fail. Why a journal now. Like my last one, I foresee a climax of some sort. I hope a window of

I tried to make new friends with this couple, but my aims were insincere, and the response from the guy was probabably what I would have said, years ago in my past experience... with a flirtatious selfish type of woman that he is with.

30 days before my mom arrives and with my younger brother. I worry about this trip, but know it will help or hurt my cause. Perhaps both. In the sense that my mom will support my return home. But any imminent move will be fraught with anxiety, uncertainty and risk... which is about the way I arrived. I guess what goes around comes around. But I've taken 5 steps forward, and feel I will be 100 steps back. What a waste of opportuniy. And after all everything I've sought to avoid may rear its ugly head, with my family cheering my teenage daughters all the way to rebellion.