Say goodbye tonight

I made my move. A good one and bad one. A fiercely irresponsible weekend playing with fire, getting burnt now the lynch mobs at my doorstep. A tangled web of timing and priorities, and last ditch effort to move into a positive mode. The breaks I just got is in the direction of the war, almost feels like a dance with the maker himself. God forbid this shines any light on the grave mistakes I've made over the past 3 years. Or trip me up during this month of effort to regain what little I've got left and miss the finish line altogether. Foolish is an understatement.

Interesting, Michael Lutin's message in "Where's the Moon" isn't totally related to how I feel today, but sharing it anyways to complement my own:

Monday 23 nov

The next period is a dialogue (with other people or in your own head) between scarily cold cynicism and naive faith. Isn't it spiritually wise to believe everything will turn out the way it is supposed to? Or is that just plain stupid? Isn't it prudent to realize all people have a selfish agenda and are in it for themselves? Or is it a waste to mistrust everyone because you end up alone and damaging yourself? Should you push to dominate or let compassion rule?

This is the crisis bewtween the Saturn Pluto square and the transit of Uranus that is just about to take place, Coming next week:

"WAIT! DON'T KILL YOURSELF YET! THERE'S HOPE!"

Giveaway

After three years of independence, I'm giving it all away. The movers arrive tomorrow to ship my stuff. The charity organizations are here today, taking what I can't keep. Sacrificing my empty freedom to the surveillance and coercion of my eager and greedy spouse. To think that I can't avoid such a parasitic codependent love that suffocates all feelings and purpose. Owned by a needy and incapable woman who's only ambition is to hijack my own. Yes, it will be like a chess game, stacked against me, and my every move is a step away from getting trapped in this despicable ravenous black widow spider web. The fake smiles, half-truths, and tears of desperation chisel at everything I've got left to give.

Epicenter of Calamity

A habitual ritual Sunday. As usual, I can't avoid my favorite place, with the bites of Chicken, lamb, and red wine I love. So smoky, even the the open air setting leaves me reaking of charcoal. Friends calling me all day and night, ignoring them so I won't stray too far following their flock and shepherd. Still people always seem to find me, both old aquaintances and new strangers. Weird how time won't give me time especially whenever I sense a beautiful woman's gentle cheer eclipsing such a wicked fear.

Time waits for no one. To the ones who call at no notice, I should have called you sooner. To the ones who I met with your beau, I wish I met you first. For the one that used me, like the sadistic piece of shit she was, along with her fucking heartless boyfriends, go to hell. To the ones who chase my friends, and my friends who lead them backstabbing me stupid, sayonara. To my better half who manipulated me to her own fitful gain, you are on notice. And all others who laid judgement on this pathetic fool, I never knew you. Lastly, to my family and our birthright, I love you with all my heart, please inspire me to rise above all this. sign

Last stand

What do you call a 3-night stand when nothing happens? A limitless desperate lunge at life around me from Friday to Monday. Fearful at starting something that won't last into the profound dissolusist fate that awaits me a week later. Will this change reflect my life like night and day? And will I dare share it with you bunch of strangers? Hopefully this episode ends this fantasy as a realistic dream spiced with the reality of Right Fucking Now!

This Fragile Man

Tears. The kind that well near the heart. Floods of memories angst, anxiety, neglect and betrayal. The heart beats, flutters, tears well, voice stutters. Yet in the presence of uncaring judgemental fairweather friends it all seem like pathetic theater. Superimposed against the reality of sacrifice versus the sinister human parasites in our midst.

An Angst Driven Life

I miss Mamiko so much. A great love climbing like a stairway to heaven. Yet I treated our love like it was just a good time. And let her slip away leaving me with a drought like the Sahara Desert. If I never enjoy such love and affection again for the rest of my life, I may as well consider it over. No wonder she was wise to find another man rather than risk such despair of heart and soul. sign

A life like none other

'A Ground Zero' of far east artistic genius. The moon rose above our night like time fate option love galore. And it was for many. Yet I missed my mark every time, except as a witness to the spectacle. sign

Dawn of the nothing new

Hard not to go overboard right now. Empty pace of rushing from one place to the next. Next to nothing. Exasperating and draining. As if I stop it will all be over and not having arrived anywhere nor gained anything. A bottomless pit. Whether my stomach, my glass of alcohol and libido.

Loan Shark

I wish. Not a loan shark. More like a sucker who can't say no, or won't ask after the fact. Yet, the experience is pretty obvious... I have fair weather friends who only call when they need something, either overtly or as a hidden agenda. The closest, and most demanding person is someone I've considered a great friend. However, the relationship is marred with over zealous prearranged situations and deals which are always in his favor, with the presumption that I'm lucky enough to join him for the moment leading him to whatever personal fulfillment.

Meanwhile I'm left with wallet empty, heart in hand, and the look of mild bewilderment that he thinks I'm simple and there for all that. Well, maybe I am a loan shark. In other words, I think I gave him more than he can pay me back... not too much but the manner in which it went down, it was obviously self serving and ill-willed. I am responsible and regretful of this angst, but not the feeling that that my loan shark got fed (up). Perhaps no better way to get rid of someone's parasitic behavior by paying them off. Take the loss, swallow the pride and just move on
already.

An Obiviously Shallow Regard

I recently read in a book I bought 'the cries of the poor may not always be just, but if you don't listen to it you will never know justice'. I got in touch with my prodigal younger brother. I found him after searching for him on the Internet. At first I wasn't sure since he used his full name. His display was our father's given name plus his mom's birthright. Even though he is shades lighter than my black complexion, I saw the resemblance in the brow we share. I am not at odds with his true manliness. But am on edge worried that just because I prefer women (obsessed to an angst ridden demise) he may not realize how much I respect him. By the way, the first sentence doesn't have anything to do with him.