Broken and worried about it

Alas a week has passed. A night of major angst, and regret. Since then my spirit sank, my wallet empty, and health has suffered. This feels like the big one. Big enough for me to take steps to find out what is wrong with me. I'm afraid to know. But the point is right now, something feels extremely wrong. The autumn wind feels like it has snuffed out the last of my youth, but I'm the one who failed to get indoors. Like, I'm never going to feel young again. I just got old. But it feels like I could have simply died.

ML: This Sh*t works

Michael Lutin 10/11 and 10/13/2010

1. ...horoscope drawn for 11 October 2010. It is an astrological picture of the positions of the planets at dawn in New York City. You can see the Sun (the circle with the dot in the center) on the left just about to rise on the eastern horizon (contrary to traditional maps).

Now let's be real. How could everybody in the world be affected in so similar a way that the Daily Fix makes such profound and universal sense? Each person is living a different life with very personal circumstances and relationships. There are, however, great planetary waves that sweep across the whole world, which affect each person in his or her own private, deeply moving way, and yet feel strangely similar and connected.  

Take the Venus retrograde, for example. Venus rules your aesthetic- who and what you find beautiful and attractive- and all the people and things you like to surround yourself with to feel comfortable, prosperous, and fulfilled. Venus usually moves from zodiac sign to zodiac sign about every three weeks, except for right now when it has gone retrograde in the sign of Scorpio and will be in that sign until the first week of January 2011.

Maybe that's why people are attracted to Scorpios right now, although with Venus retrograde, Scorpios themselves do not feel it and are having a tough time acknowledging, receiving, and reciprocating. But for everybody, all of us are seeking contacts and relationships from the past. Venus is looking backward, visiting past passions, possessions and obsessions.

Why obsessions? When Venus is in Scorpio attractions are intense, mainly because Scorpio IS passion. It's also the sign of emotional hunger and incessant yearning, and maybe that's why so many artists have Scorpio prominent in their charts. The urge to procreate and the urge to create are one.

Scorpio is not (as some people like to think) the sign of murder, mayhem, and the Mob. They are sweet, affectionate and intensely loyal, but if they get one whiff of betrayal, DON'T DRINK THE TEA.

With Venus in Scorpio there is always some kind of taboo involved so you can usually expect complicated and triangulating relationships with at least three people trying to fit into one double bed.  

We mention the Venus transit now since the retrograde is currently occurring. Because we are all passing through the month of Libra, Venus is even more important in our daily lives, because Venus is the planet that rules the sign of Libra.

As the Earth turns in twenty-four hours, just like the Sun and Moon, Venus will rise in the east, culminate overhead and set in the west at different times of the day, naturally depending on where you happen to be on the Earth. That position tells us exactly in what area of your life the Venus retrograde will affect you–finance, career, health, or your love life.

It's infinitely complex and takes probably lifetimes to interpret.

But to understand why and how?

Big mystery.

Electromagnetic vibrations?

Synchronicity of mechanical astrophysical motions and human behavior?

Here's a thought:

The Solar System is one gigantic organism, completely connected to every particle in the system, fully alive–alive in a cosmic sense, beating to rhythm and in a constant motion that is akin to breathing. Every atom, in the Solar System (and probably everywhere else, too) is part of and contributes to this great, enormous organism, which embodies the Force and Growth of Cosmic Consciousness for all living beings on all worlds.

Your little horoscope is your part, your contribution to the motion and rhythm of that giant whirling. However you think and what ever you do adds to the sum of all parts. The more you know yourself and are aware and awake to your thoughts and actions, the better everyone else's life will be everywhere.

Of course we're making that up because we can't really say for sure. I think it's true. Who started all that and why? Nobody can say for sure.

But don't think for one second that you can just sit around with your eyes closed, thinking great thoughts. You still have to make your car payments, deal with rent and mortgage, keep your credit rate in good standing, engage in fulfilling work and find people to love.

2.

13 october 2010

The North Node of the Moon in Capricorn

The path of the Earth around the Sun is called the Ecliptic. It takes a whole year to make that trip.

The Moon's travel around the Earth, on the other hand, makes the whole trip in one month.

The points at which those two paths cross

are called the NODES OF THE MOON.

In a most uncanny way, they describe

every relationship you have and

whatever intimate involvements

you create, both in personal life and business.

When the Moon crosses that point of intersection into the North as it is today,

this conjunction of the Moon

and the North Node

this year in the sign of Capricorn

means

don't indulge or baby yourself.

No more screwing around.

Get serious about everything you are doing

and everyone you are doing it with.

With hope, love will be back soon

After all the ups and downs of my recent adventure, maybe it is time to reflect. A passionate fling, but one with a lot of questions, and obvious things to wonder. First, how my good friend consistently depricates my relationships. As if he's wiser and better than me even at things I do and has nothing to do with. Very apt that it was during my time with her that his tripwire was set. Transperent nonsense and an obvious rift that will engulf him if he ever trespass again without caution. However, there many things that have been said since then, and when they were there is no doubt it was behind my back. He'll keep digging but that is his hole, not mine... I still remember how I knew not prolong the previous relationship or mix it up with the tall beautiful blonde on his return.

As for the others. The first was possesive, obsessive and trying to catch a man without any plan. She was  demanding trying to force my obsession. I know that people see me as weak and meek. Is kindness always a suspect for weakness? Turning over every stone trying to get her claws into my personal life as if to expose me in front of people who really know and love me. As if to say, look, I'm here, and you're not. I know about him, and you don't right now. Pretty obvious. But I wouldn't risk her deliberately getting off the pill, and allowing me to lose everything I have and giving her that power over me. Well that was a very scary thought and why I knew to blow her off. Imagine if I was dumb enough to share this blog with her?

The second was an older kind of desperate for something type of a creature. She calls, and sends messages, like why don't you call me. Later finding out she got my phone number from my friend, then act like I was too drunk to remember me giving it to her. Well at least she eventually told me. The entire time I felt like I wasn't interested. And even after she let me spend a night at her place, I still wasn't interested. Even less so.

The culmination of these two experiences,... "Fun not Forever". Right now I feel as if I've shaken off a lot of bad memories and feelings. I really have hope and want to meet someone else sooner or later. I feel that I will get it right, at the right time, in the right way. Faith, hope, love. Not neccessarily in that order, whatever order suits the future, and leads to fulfillment of all three.