The Pushcart War

A couple of weeks of ups and downs. Hope and angst. Friends and gossip. Fear and love. A push cart war. The rules by the big and brave eclipsing the small and nimble. I remember that book well. Even as an adolescent I knew what it meant. How the powerful truckers exerted their will on the pushcart vendors. Well now much older and wiser, and in a totally different world, these past few weeks seem very similar, but in a much more personal way. My subconscious mind suddenly remembered the book today. Well to put it as lightly as possible, yet share the feeling that dominate me at the moment... here it is.

My good friend, a giant of a talented musician suddenly introduced me to a woman on a Sunday evening. Call it her whim or his plan, she started to immediately fancy me. Well obviously surprised I got a bit excited and when realizing she couldn't pay her bill, I stepped up, and left with her and her friends. I left my backpack which my friend came to deliver. However, my hasty decision to pay her bill left me broke. A Sunday night without any money for the rest of the week and work the next day until payday Friday never mind a hotel room, so I chose not to spend the evening with her. She wouldn't return my calls after that.

I partied with my other friend the following weekend, wallet fat with cash. This friend told me that my musician friend told him that I didn't do what I was supposed to do. Even though I hadn't spoken to him since that day. My birthday approached and I deliberately avoided the local scene due to lack of privacy and lack of respect. I can tell that in my absence the topic of conversation was about my personal business and that I really don7t want to be around these people.

The pushcart war is how my friend who dominates the scene setting the stage of disappointment at my feet. I had a couple of other dates leading up to my birthday all while trying to avoid the scene. But I know I'll have to answer to it, with the subtle drama of silence on my part and lack of respect of anyone around there. Like no matter what I say, they'll already have the story of what they think of me, and what I think in general, even though they really don't have a clue of who I am or where I am coming from. Sign

Illusions

Michael Lutin thursday 11 feb

We can talk about healing and faith all we want to
but the fact is
a lot of people are about to freak out right now
mainly because they ahve to give up
an illusion
that is no longer viable
a dream that just isn't going to happen
they have to walk away from a whole life
and they can't see around the corner
they can't see that there is
life after change
so it's easy to tell someone
to let go of the past
and have faith in the future
but when Uranus comes to the end of Pisces
as it is in these weeks and months
it's not easy to walk away
from a dream you once had
that is no longer your dream
in the end though
honesty
always
takes you
where you need to go from here

Trapeze Act, No safety net

What kind of fog have I been living under? I clearly remember when I asked my better half to choose a plan which is good to invest in. And to realize that I opted out altogether. And she remembers much more clearly than I do. Now this may be my fault, but the pattern of events that have led up until now clearly make me wonder if that was her deliberate choice, and acting like I know, only to get more money in her pocket somehow, or even unconsciously handicap me. The move and the kids, not considering international schools. The home, choosing the home forcing my hand. The signatory assumptions. Piling on every responsibility financially tying me down without asking. Forcing me to be responsible for her expenses, her car costs, that her mom paid for, but I'm responsible for.

Now to say I'm not covered by any retirement plan and I clearly remember asking for her help to choose a plan. And now she says I told her I want more money in my pocket. I clearly don't remember that, and realize how much she hasn't helped me do anything in my interest, piling on, knowing failure would be subservience to her, and success is just more money in her pocket. Now I know, and am damn embarrassed that I have no safety net, a trapeze artist, under her circus tent.

Weird, and apologize for superstitious beliefs, but my horoscope sounds so positive and confident, as if there is something positive on the horizon. Is it a big enough wave and drift that will set my beached ship to sail again? sign

Home is where the heart is

One of those days when someone Japanese asks me to return to the U.S. based on the any hint that life here has its challenges. I can't wait to meet that fucking asshole again. Chance that he's looking for a fight. Bring it on asswipe...