Wolf Pack

20 years ago... same angst. Rise above all this.

Go Figure

Took too long to figure this out. Now that's me.

One month alienated, and my girlfriend M.I.A.

She likes it this way. Open this cage, this bird is going to fly free.

Deserted

Feeling like I'm on a desert island. The most stranded feeling I've ever had in my life. Living with my girlfriend who likes the idea I'm her hostage. Leading me on more than ever, owning me like I'm the fool in this relationship (which I am per my most recent tarot card reading). She's been mostly absent, and me stuck in her neighborhood, feeling like I'm stranded on a desert island. No contact with my friends, alienated from community. She asks why can't I be happy to be alone. Pretty sad time in my life, chance I will learn from this with deep certainty. Get back on my own feet and don't let a woman ever bring me down again.

Metropolis Feb 6 - 13

Too good to be true. Too bad too...

"You can feel good about what you're doing. You've tried and tried, putting your heart and soul into something very important. It's not quite time to feel total steadiness, but know the tide has turned in your favor. Use your quiet radar to pulse the latest signals. To say things are in flux is an understatement. Your courage leads the way, but your heart is the command center: Follow what you know to be true, even in the face of deception. Neptune, your ruler, handles both divine love and ultra duplicity. The resources you need are there when you stay on the path of truth, which, by the way, is changing every moment."

Lucid Dream

Archived my letters, threw away the envelopes. Watch an old home movie. Called my dad. Ate red chicken curry at midnight and had a lucid dream. Still in the process of throwing out clutter and old sentimental things that no one but I would care for.

Happy New Year

Please

Days of Reckoning

Time to take account for the disastrously placed bets and squandering of potential, due to arrogance, nativity and longing for the past.

Fallor ergo sum

been a while

been a while. bout to get back to reality...

Not such a Happy New Year greeting

Message to my sister, realistic and hopeful that this year will be better:

It must be getting cold on the East Coast. (record cold due to the Jan 2014 Polar Vortex) 

Wish you the best for the New Year. 

Rounding 50 I feel a bit sad. Like all that has been will continue to lead us to the rest of our lives. But with a lot less to offer ourselves, never mind everyone else depending on us. As if life and the people around us are sucking the life from us like parasites. I wonder how they have no shame, as if their lives are more important than ours.

Still unemployed I just want one last job, one last gasp, to allow me to land safely. Ex wife still camped out in my home, with me paying the bills, and no where to go without a job... it feels like she owns me. I want to walk away, and put her on her ass, but the girls will suffer to. I'm certain she's praying for me to fail, or die trying.

I get bitter. Why didn't we get any guidance when we were younger. Just a hint would have been nice. I think back to why I got married was because mom thought I was gay and wanted to prove her wrong... but it was wrong for her to suggest I was gay without any reason other than I wasn't doing what she and everyone expected.

Of course things could have been worse. But right now they seem like life everywhere for everyone is getting worse, and there isn't much society is offering to make ours better no matter how much we'd like to do better.

Sorry, not such a great Happy New Year's message... 

but saying so hoping something gives and this one will somehow miraculously be better than the last one... 

End Game

Game over actually. I never imagined I'd be one to admit defeat. 25 years of endless optimism and fast moves, always avoiding the inevitable dead end. Getting fired and having only one interview. Bored beyond belief along with my habitual benders had me on the ropes, on the edge. Stuck between where I landed and where I came from, marriage and my new girlfriend yet to want to be a finance. Girlfriend human as I am but not as conscious of it. So I'm back on my feet and trying to act out an earnest effort. Yet if I could have foreseen all this, I would have saved all my money and had a different scheme in mind. My ex-wife obviously set me up, and I'm left without a new play. How wonderful, pun intended. Looks like Game Over indeed, and I lose. But I never knew there was such a game being played in the first place.