Break on through

Exit Vortex. Break on through to the other side.

What a wild ride it has been a whole two months since the Big D. 

First we signed. Then I feared that I wouldn't be able to make a move and until when. Seemed like the fleeting weekend time would eventually lead to full times together. 

First came Christmas Eve and the winter soltice that we spent together. First to for Mexican Food in Hiroo, then Diana Vreeland at Roppongi Hills. I spent the evening with her, and reunited for Monte's Christmas party and stayed overnight at the APA. 

New Years we met a famous couple like a lightning bolt of fate that struck without warning. Well per my previous fears she suddenly was obsessed with them right at the same moment I arrived, as if eclipsed by life itself never to be worthy of anything I ever set my mind to.

This led straight into New Years until Yumiko's visit on Feb 1st. She invited Yumiko to Chicago to meet our new famous friends which made me believe it was true where her heart suddenly was at a moments notice. However the week prior she went off the hook with her friends. I was very suspicious. Yumiko showed up during her visit but upon return she left me wondering once again, but this time my suspicions might have been unfounded. But leading up to all this I couldn't help but feel like I'm just a stepping stone even though I gave up everything, albeit prematurely and ultimately unnervingly so, to be with her.

Basically, not even two months together and not a great start. Now it feels like the burden is on me to deliver, and her to benefit just waiting to take advantage of simply landing in the U.S. and disappearing using my own time with my family to get lost with her friends, both long time and new-found... not much to look forward to. 

I wonder if I would be better off just getting my own place and being ready to meet someone new. She really loves me, just how she moves about is so disconcerting.

To care is to fret, and to not care is to give her all the freedom she wants. Either way she seems like the type of person who gets what she wants, no matter what the cost.

Big D

Well, signed the big D today. Feels pretty bad actually. The implications, the pressure, the loss. Feels like I'm dying. How long before I feel born again?

Pisces in Chiron

Michael Lutin (timely)

"Chiron in Pisces 

18 November 12: Some people think I'm dark and negative. Fact is, this is a very somber moment and I am trying try to be as real and as authentic as possible. This happens to be a rather sad moment for each person in their own private way. A few serious realizations have bobbed up to the surface and there is little sense talking spiritual gibberish when people are in secret pain.
It's not funny at all. We could make some crass jokes about what is happening, the way you just burst out laughing at a funeral although you mean no harm or disrespect. In fact people are making some pretty vulgar and stupid comments about what is going on, mainly because it IS a sad moment and difficult to cope with. 

When you look at the reality of the situation, not only in the world
but in your own life right now, you have to see that there is a touch of tragedy here.
This is the place to start. At least you're not in denial, and you can set about to right wrongs,
make amends, show kindness and begin to develop a strategy for how to cope with the next part,
which is going to be a rite of passage. Once you can identify and face the source and depth of the wound, then slowly,

slowly
slowly

you can begin the process of healing.

But it's not going to be fast. This will be page where it will all unfold. Be patient. It will be worth it.

19 Nov 2012 DAILY FIX

Over the next few years you are probably gong to be traveling into the unconscious realms, most likely deeper thant you have possibly ever gone. There lies a sunken treasure at the bottom of this private ocean, but wow! is it ever scary and dangerous down there. And all this from the mere transit of Chiron in Pisces.Just think of how much insight and pride in yourself exists at the bottom of that ocean. For now, you must descend slowly into the depths of your own being with the position of neptune and Chiron both in that noble sign.

An odd occurrence has taken place. Pisces is part of your horoscope which has now seceded from the rest of your astrological chart. Neptune has captured it and has swum away with it. Pisces remains now unto itself, apart, rather alone but often content. Neptune and Chiron pull Pisces along, and while it's separate and private, it help syou heal a very very very deep wound. And it will succeed. Just not by taking a couple of pills or downing a frozen margarita at breakfast, alhough, who knows, sometimes that helps.

Forgiveness--is it a sign of a highly evolved and spiritually wealthy being? Or is it the product of the naiveté of a chump who is in it to be slapped, demeaned and annihilated over and over again? Don't answer that too fast."

breakthrough, but very foggy

My way overdue tax is in the mail, and most likely also the invoice from my accountants back to me. On the verge of divorce. All my friends lost to me. My girlfriend no response after a month of bliss together. I got assaulted last month and my bicycle stolen at the same time because my friends misunderstood me. Is this an actual bottom hitting a true bounce? Or an endless pit? 

Sad my daughters feel my pain. Not the first time but how pitiful I must seem to them. My soon to be ex-wife playing for a fool of me in front of them. My next wife playing me just the same perhaps. I don't what I am doing or why. Just a radical change on my gut feeling not knowing where it will lead. One day leads to another. One week leads to the next. But within the next month, I hope the fog clears. Sigh

9/27

Pisces from Metropolis, 9/27

Forced change is a current Piscean theme. None of the Fishies are allowed to swim downstream for the moment. Your muscles are growing on every level—mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. The leap on everyone's lips is pivotal for you. You can make it to the other side, and you must remind yourself of that. Sunday's Full Moon brings finances and a drive to create them into hyperforce.
(Let's Hope)

Cold War

This week I'm in the black for the first time in three years. Catching up on my tax filings, but going through a bad time at home leading to separation and divorce. The cold war is escalating. There is nothing to say except the 500 pound gorilla who is my wife, trying to intimidate me and manipulate everyone and everything around us to no end. But the end is clear, and the end is near. It won't be nice or easy, but as far as the type of person she is, I know I'm doing the right thing. The bottom line is all these years of trying to make her happy, she's been using me, thinking of herself, forcing me to sacrifice while she keeps the spoils. Now that I see things clearly, she is speechless, at a loss for words, and kind of at a loss for everything that she wanted and now can't have. 

Winner?

She thinks she wins again by default. Maybe so. What a consistent play. Act coy, take no responsibility. And all other challengers shrink in light of such callous shallow bravado. But once confronted with what will be lost once I choose to one up such ridiculousness... money in hand, nothing to lose but the end of my life. Well, that being said, I think that is the inevitability she is betting on. Sad but true. Before then run like hell. 

Metro 6/21

Your blood heats up and your pulse is racing. You've just discovered the thrill of Neptune washing over you as Uranus keeps your dreams in technicolor. This is a live action film of your own making. Who are your friends? Are they trailblazers? Do they accept your trials and efforts to reach the top? Or are they desperate to have things go their way? You live your life with the choices you make each and every day.

(I wonder who this is, I can think of four people)

Doubt

I have my doubts. Lots of hints, hunches and the like. Anything less subtle would be ominous. This be the vortex, about to cross the threshold. Have to remember what happened last time, around this same time. Hopeful but fraught with suspicion that I swept aside yet the peril never went away. I am in familiar territory. I don't know who to talk to or what do. Pray 6/21 solstice. Bow to the summer. July 1st will know.

Tax timing

Finally getting down to reconciling my taxes. A positive move and distraction from my relationship issues. Home is a cold front and war. Friends are like the old saying, with friends like those, who needs enemies. Love is fraught with anxiety, angst and fear. Fleeting moments of romance, bliss, love and sex. Not sure what to believe. The birthday will be a milestone. After that I may have to ask tough questions.

So I'm feeling good about getting my act together, and will give me the confidence to make the right move in the right way. I hope I'm not getting played. It will be the final straw. Work is positive giving me support to reconcile my taxes, and will be a step in the direction of eventually visiting home with confidence.