3 Strikes and You're Hurt

3 Strikes and you're hurt. I crashed on my bicycle again last weekend. The 3rd time in 3 years. I feel fortunate to still have my nose and teeth after those wrecks. They feel as if they parallel the stuff going around me in my life.

The first bicycle crash was coming down the bike ramp at the park. I had an empty can in one hand, and my grip hand on the front break. Well, it picked up speed unexpectadely, so I grabbed the break and went head first over the handle bars. I let the bicycle go and sailed sliding landing flat on my belly scraping the pavement with my shoulder and feet. Wearing short sleeved and sandels, I was pretty bruised. The people around me were pretty startled, and amazed. They asked several times if was ok, and my only reply was that my face is fine. Actually I was really lucky I didn't land on someone like a child or an elderly person, and got them killed them. The scrapes and soreness took a month to disappear.

The second crash was one morning racing towards the park and the train station headed to work. The road was a narrow one, barely passable for 2 cars at a time. And with many side streets and blind turns. Well, while on my way an elderly man turned off the side street in front of me without looked. I hit him head on. Again, I knew if I hit him with my full weight he might end up in the hospital. So I let the bike go and thrust myself over his bike past him, and landed on my side rolling like a stuntman. My wind got knocked out of me a bit and it took minutes to catch my breath. The old guy was cut by his peddle and apologizing for pulling in front of me.

The latest crash and hopefully the last happened on my way home from partying. I was coming down a different hill into the park, one I always take. To be honest this was influenced by alcohol. Well, at the bottom of the small hill is a bar to block cars. Normally I go left or right to avoid it. This time without thinking I was headed straight it it, in a daze. But then I saw the bar and didn't have time to go left or right, and put the brakes on not hit, but also not to go over my handle bars. Well I still hit it anyways, and instead of taking the brunt of the hit in my gut, I launched myself over the guard rail, landing square on my shoulder and rolling a bit. This one hurt pretty bad and wondered if I was going to end up in the hospital this time. I limped home on my bicycle and woke up in pain. I suffered for about a week, but my shoulder has limbered up, and bicycle safe from me in the parking garage.

Sexual capital

Well nothing akin to a capital city like NYC. More like the respectful consideration I have for Tiger Woods. Risk exists in every relationship. But also the genuine reward that only affection and genuine relashionships endevour. And yes, always worth it, but with extreme caution and restraint.

Light at time of darkness

How can I complain about all this? I got empowered as an executive staff yesterday. I have become more conscious of who I am, who I once was, potential to rise higher. My heros on my flank. Talking to my family and I as if I were worthy of their ear. Even sharing my own humble exploits in their midst. Something is happening. About to happen. Right before my very feet. I have no big shoes to fill... just fresh clay to cross and lay those footsteps on my own. sign

...that nothing is forever

(from Michael Lutin's Daily Fix Friday 4 Dec - a very uncanny perspective today)

You could swear sometimes that if you didn't know better
somebody somewhere was sticking pins in a doll.
Paranoia could be rampant and trust is difficult to come by.
Those who already have the uh-oh message know that this cold war isn't
thawing out any time soon
and that Uranus won't even reach the 29th degree of Pisces until
sometime in April-May.
You can already see the handwriting on the wall, however, that the
movie is changing big time
and things are just never going to be the same any more.
That's not necessarily a tragedy, although there is some tragic
aspects to what is going on.
So there's no sense pretending everything is wonderful.
It can all turn out to be more of a blessing than you think.
A new life awaits, but first, it's squeezing through the eye of that
damned needle....
then you can move on to fight the fight and love the love
you need lots of stamina now plus a profound understanding, that
nothing is forever

knucklehead blame game

A colleague who never accepts responsibility challenged me endlessly
concerning failure of his own. Well not his, but ball in his court. No
one is perfect and especially not the business we work for or the
processes we adhere to. Yet, the stage is set and the cynical posture
along with the nagging tone, even accusatory stance got the hell on my
nerves big time. The disaster is so serious in this one part of the
business, and to convey it directly to an extreme knucklehead was a
total lost cause. Enough to make me want to walk out the doors, smoke
and drink. I couldn't though, one more task to complete, much more
important to the business and team. No matter, at least its almost
Friday.

Sorry, no foreigners allowed, but wait...

Thank god its Friday. My transition is physically complete, but
mentally I'm still in flux. This week I've had enough of the local
parasites around town. This one girl invited me into her bar last
weekend. Seemed friendly enough to have a foreigner like me until I
saw the bill; couple of drinks and a couple of hundred dollars later.
Shamefully went back for more of less, but came out with minimal
damage to the wallet. Well this 'nice girl' I met there started
calling me saying that she wanted to see me again. Ego and libido
aside, I'm thinking why not, better than frequenting a much lewder
establishment. Well, this guy who first granted my entrance sees me
approaching. Well as if he needs glasses, he bobs his head up and
down, and from side to side, while hastily approaching until certain
it was me. Well that girl was there again she says, oh its a
promotional night, just 3000 yen to get in. Well after a few drinks
and a lot of talking nonsense I know its time to go. But wait,
suddenly, it's 15000 yen... !!?? There she was, another "R-O-B" (rip
off bitch). Now its my fault, I should have known. These girls are
pros. Pros at getting Japanese guys to buy drinks and charge for
social while preying on they loneliness, general kindness, and lack of
sensibilities. But to prey on a gaijin like me left me feeling like a
total loser. I can't wait for the next time she sends me a message
hello. I'll be brief and frank, no thanks, I can get more and better
in life for free. Please just treat me like most Japanese do and
just say sorry, no foreigners allowed.

Say goodbye tonight

I made my move. A good one and bad one. A fiercely irresponsible weekend playing with fire, getting burnt now the lynch mobs at my doorstep. A tangled web of timing and priorities, and last ditch effort to move into a positive mode. The breaks I just got is in the direction of the war, almost feels like a dance with the maker himself. God forbid this shines any light on the grave mistakes I've made over the past 3 years. Or trip me up during this month of effort to regain what little I've got left and miss the finish line altogether. Foolish is an understatement.

Interesting, Michael Lutin's message in "Where's the Moon" isn't totally related to how I feel today, but sharing it anyways to complement my own:

Monday 23 nov

The next period is a dialogue (with other people or in your own head) between scarily cold cynicism and naive faith. Isn't it spiritually wise to believe everything will turn out the way it is supposed to? Or is that just plain stupid? Isn't it prudent to realize all people have a selfish agenda and are in it for themselves? Or is it a waste to mistrust everyone because you end up alone and damaging yourself? Should you push to dominate or let compassion rule?

This is the crisis bewtween the Saturn Pluto square and the transit of Uranus that is just about to take place, Coming next week:

"WAIT! DON'T KILL YOURSELF YET! THERE'S HOPE!"

Giveaway

After three years of independence, I'm giving it all away. The movers arrive tomorrow to ship my stuff. The charity organizations are here today, taking what I can't keep. Sacrificing my empty freedom to the surveillance and coercion of my eager and greedy spouse. To think that I can't avoid such a parasitic codependent love that suffocates all feelings and purpose. Owned by a needy and incapable woman who's only ambition is to hijack my own. Yes, it will be like a chess game, stacked against me, and my every move is a step away from getting trapped in this despicable ravenous black widow spider web. The fake smiles, half-truths, and tears of desperation chisel at everything I've got left to give.

Epicenter of Calamity

A habitual ritual Sunday. As usual, I can't avoid my favorite place, with the bites of Chicken, lamb, and red wine I love. So smoky, even the the open air setting leaves me reaking of charcoal. Friends calling me all day and night, ignoring them so I won't stray too far following their flock and shepherd. Still people always seem to find me, both old aquaintances and new strangers. Weird how time won't give me time especially whenever I sense a beautiful woman's gentle cheer eclipsing such a wicked fear.

Time waits for no one. To the ones who call at no notice, I should have called you sooner. To the ones who I met with your beau, I wish I met you first. For the one that used me, like the sadistic piece of shit she was, along with her fucking heartless boyfriends, go to hell. To the ones who chase my friends, and my friends who lead them backstabbing me stupid, sayonara. To my better half who manipulated me to her own fitful gain, you are on notice. And all others who laid judgement on this pathetic fool, I never knew you. Lastly, to my family and our birthright, I love you with all my heart, please inspire me to rise above all this. sign

Last stand

What do you call a 3-night stand when nothing happens? A limitless desperate lunge at life around me from Friday to Monday. Fearful at starting something that won't last into the profound dissolusist fate that awaits me a week later. Will this change reflect my life like night and day? And will I dare share it with you bunch of strangers? Hopefully this episode ends this fantasy as a realistic dream spiced with the reality of Right Fucking Now!