Hibernation

The Dec 10 lunar eclipse was beautiful and epic. Now the winter solstice is upon us; Thursday December 22nd 0530. I plan to go to the Shinto shrine, pray, make an offering and ring the bell. My way of ringing in the New Year on Earth's natural holiday. This year I hope, with no definite certitude, to be pious reserved serious and focused. Hibernate my way through the next 3-months and wake up next March optimistic and happy. My routine may often seem like a waste of time, yet I'm welcomed in this superflous community that I orbit around. I'll pop my head in every now and then with minimal angst fulfilling the basic social needs we all have. At home I have a bit of pressure to deliver aimless adventures outside of town which I should be able to manage well. Early January I will stay at a cabin at Kawaguchiko near Mt. Fuji, again in mid-February too. Actually I need that very badly. I haven't left the Tokyo metro area in a year and a half, handicapped by the expense of rebuilding my home, while very comfortable, should have been since I haven't been able to go anywhere. After March I will be able to travel abroad with ease. 3-months feels like a long time, but if I diet, train at the gym and study, March will be even more rewarding. Of course I'll be letting my guard down passively cruising through life, so I'll add one more prayer, "please please please let me get what I want this time" (Ref: The Smiths).

Happy New Year!

Rage against reason

No fun at home. An insult by me injured her pretty severely. Kids are affected and begging me to make up for it. But that is what's going on. I can't say anything, do anything. I was wrong for what I said and did. But my reaction is just a frustration with passive aggressive manipulation. To do something nice for her just leads to more p-a behavior. I'm pretty bad too, and took advantage of a bad situation after that making it worse. Cold war without remorse, such an unbearable relationship. Life is too short to be so unhappy for so long.

Ogre, kind of true

....ruled by Neptune and Neptune NEVER allows you to stay mad forever. Could that be the damned reason that even after you've mustered up all your courage and dared to confront the ogre who has been oppressing you, you still get the idea that you should go on feeling compassionate and make nice? (but about being made forever, I don't think so... won't be that stupid)

Phew

Test results negative. Step one complete.
Step two, a real physical. I got the details just need to schedule.
Step 3, settle my taxes.
Step 4, settle my debt.

Fear angst wait

Made the trip to visit. Can't imagine the result of the test, can only fear it. Hope that a week from now I'll be treated well. Like having a baby and knowing if it will be a boy or a girl. The difference is that in this will learn how long will live or soon die. And is love forever lost, or on the horizon with a lot more confidence.

Hope comes alive

Will take courage. Step by step. First one this Thursday, second the following Thursday. Positive to reconcile. Please be well for now...

Vortex

Skidding towards my goal. Tragedy hit the family when an elder passed away. It wasn't a surprise, but sad nonetheless. Like a rainy day, it showed up during a financial drought. And due to more recent bad behavior, I'm all out for a while. Small reward my previous girlfriend showed up, like me crying out for help, wishing she was still there and I wouldn't have been out there chasing women for the past 4 years. Well suddenly she was back, and the tragedy provided a window of distraction and relief. Still overcoming all this is like travelling through a vortex. Mo money mo problems; no money problem. Batten down the hatches... Today might be September 5, but I'm looking forward to November 22 and the week afterward. I populated my calendar with scheduled time at the movies, studying language and physical training to get me through this. And of course focus on work too. Simple things to make me happy. Old comic books like Cloak and Dagger. Upcoming Japan releases Green Lantern, Fast Five, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Captain America. It is the weekend of November 22 that Cowboys and Aliens will release and The Three Musketeers the week after. By then I'll be in the black. And hopefully will be wholeheartedly beyond the angst driven life I've been living. Yet reading my previous posts, how many times have I said that before and backslid. The outlook remains positive. I'm not worried at all. Any angst hopefully my plans will get me through it without thinking too much.

Trip Counter, Reset

I've been on a quadruple of benders over the past year. A big stupid amount of squanderous behavior. Lots of times I know that I could have and should have taken the high road, but instead wallowed and sauntered down the low road. It has left me bankrupt both in terms of money and spirit. On another level, I'm a rising star, a force to be reckoned with in the business world. Unfortunately, the local and familiar has triumphed over the global and wondrous opportunities that abound. All that being said, I think I have a solution... regress, reset. The simplest pleasure I used to enjoy, like watching the road runner, riding the subway nowhere and everywhere. Reading at a library and enjoying the silence. I feel that there is a reason to be optimistic, and then some. The focus that got me where I am is still there, just buried under a lot of angst. But isn't that what has always driven me, crazy...? But relax, I found some solace in the most unusual places that I totally forgot about. Enough to get me to next spring. Get ready, set, RESET

Positive moves

No positive feedback yet. A bit of negative blocks here and there. But
at least I honest with those around me more or less. In contrast I
appeal to the better in spite of the losers throwing pebbles at me
just to keep what little future they have left intact. The upcoming
month will be a time to focus and see if I can not just tread water,
swim laps through the marathon at hand. Life please reward me with
someone special, don't tell me that I've already have been.

Suspicion, Slipping

Trying to keep my head up. However pretty obvious that the hidden agendas around me are quite formidable. Transparent obvious agendas, as if I weren't here, looking forward to the day that I'm not. No guarantee they'll be either. Per my recent twits,

• Dumb people are the most manipulative. We know better. They're desperately chasing our scraps, going through our garbage, parasites. 
• Oh how I hate two faced people. It is so hard to decide which face to slap first. 
• People I want to punch in the face. 

Now with all that said, the financial demands I've been under lately have not yielded, nor has the life that is racing around me, and me around it. So it feels like I'm slipping. But with some true will power, I need to rise above this.