Crossroads

"all you people think you own my life, you never made any sacrifice" yet the song plays like a skipped record. At work, my disfunctiongal organization deliberately perform less just to pass the buck along to force others to do more. Its like having power in spite of everyone else's ineptitude.

Besides all that

Today we're in shock and awe of another display by mother nature, this time in Haiti. This one sends a warning like a devil in the details of our lives. Especially here in Tokyo. To imagine that we're immune and that in such event of sheer devastation in Tokyo that I'll either be around to survive the aftermath or won't suffer the loss of friends and family is pure fantasy. I'd hate to echo the disturbing message of many, but this may be a nighmarish blessing in disguise for Haiti. Like the epic sweep of history ending, this is like a fierce renewal for a desparate people. And hope that whatever comes to pass will be better than what was there before. God bless all the souls that passed. If that weren't enough, Teddy too... sigh a tear

On another note. There seems to be several currents flowing through my life. Some are swift and treacherous. Others well known. They all ebb and flow, but aren't leading me anywhere. Like one oar I paddle in circles and wish I could find the stream to my personal satisfaction. But this current ebb I seem to circle in is a shallow pool of someone else's satisfaction, perhaps even desperation. Am I a bad person to want to row to the shore, upstream or float downstream away from despair. Or be happy that I have a boat at all and am not overboard treading water like the rest of them.

New Technologies in a Sustainable Energy Economy

Piles of Stress

Two days of anxiety. I've been there and done that, but anytime I get dreaded piles I freak out. Appearing out of nowhere they appear sudden. However, in retrospect, I think a lot about the things I've been eating, with compulsive drinking and smoking. And with that thought, maybe I should be more careful about what I eat, and not drink or smoke as much. To tell my colleagues that I'm not feeling well, knowing they all sit on cushions too. I don't sit on a cushion, but also fear the piles are something much worse that means I need to
go visit a doctor. Well, today I won't need to... but it is enough to show how fragile we all are, delicate to the very end, no pun intended.

3 Strikes and You're Hurt

3 Strikes and you're hurt. I crashed on my bicycle again last weekend. The 3rd time in 3 years. I feel fortunate to still have my nose and teeth after those wrecks. They feel as if they parallel the stuff going around me in my life.

The first bicycle crash was coming down the bike ramp at the park. I had an empty can in one hand, and my grip hand on the front break. Well, it picked up speed unexpectadely, so I grabbed the break and went head first over the handle bars. I let the bicycle go and sailed sliding landing flat on my belly scraping the pavement with my shoulder and feet. Wearing short sleeved and sandels, I was pretty bruised. The people around me were pretty startled, and amazed. They asked several times if was ok, and my only reply was that my face is fine. Actually I was really lucky I didn't land on someone like a child or an elderly person, and got them killed them. The scrapes and soreness took a month to disappear.

The second crash was one morning racing towards the park and the train station headed to work. The road was a narrow one, barely passable for 2 cars at a time. And with many side streets and blind turns. Well, while on my way an elderly man turned off the side street in front of me without looked. I hit him head on. Again, I knew if I hit him with my full weight he might end up in the hospital. So I let the bike go and thrust myself over his bike past him, and landed on my side rolling like a stuntman. My wind got knocked out of me a bit and it took minutes to catch my breath. The old guy was cut by his peddle and apologizing for pulling in front of me.

The latest crash and hopefully the last happened on my way home from partying. I was coming down a different hill into the park, one I always take. To be honest this was influenced by alcohol. Well, at the bottom of the small hill is a bar to block cars. Normally I go left or right to avoid it. This time without thinking I was headed straight it it, in a daze. But then I saw the bar and didn't have time to go left or right, and put the brakes on not hit, but also not to go over my handle bars. Well I still hit it anyways, and instead of taking the brunt of the hit in my gut, I launched myself over the guard rail, landing square on my shoulder and rolling a bit. This one hurt pretty bad and wondered if I was going to end up in the hospital this time. I limped home on my bicycle and woke up in pain. I suffered for about a week, but my shoulder has limbered up, and bicycle safe from me in the parking garage.

Sexual capital

Well nothing akin to a capital city like NYC. More like the respectful consideration I have for Tiger Woods. Risk exists in every relationship. But also the genuine reward that only affection and genuine relashionships endevour. And yes, always worth it, but with extreme caution and restraint.

Light at time of darkness

How can I complain about all this? I got empowered as an executive staff yesterday. I have become more conscious of who I am, who I once was, potential to rise higher. My heros on my flank. Talking to my family and I as if I were worthy of their ear. Even sharing my own humble exploits in their midst. Something is happening. About to happen. Right before my very feet. I have no big shoes to fill... just fresh clay to cross and lay those footsteps on my own. sign

...that nothing is forever

(from Michael Lutin's Daily Fix Friday 4 Dec - a very uncanny perspective today)

You could swear sometimes that if you didn't know better
somebody somewhere was sticking pins in a doll.
Paranoia could be rampant and trust is difficult to come by.
Those who already have the uh-oh message know that this cold war isn't
thawing out any time soon
and that Uranus won't even reach the 29th degree of Pisces until
sometime in April-May.
You can already see the handwriting on the wall, however, that the
movie is changing big time
and things are just never going to be the same any more.
That's not necessarily a tragedy, although there is some tragic
aspects to what is going on.
So there's no sense pretending everything is wonderful.
It can all turn out to be more of a blessing than you think.
A new life awaits, but first, it's squeezing through the eye of that
damned needle....
then you can move on to fight the fight and love the love
you need lots of stamina now plus a profound understanding, that
nothing is forever

knucklehead blame game

A colleague who never accepts responsibility challenged me endlessly
concerning failure of his own. Well not his, but ball in his court. No
one is perfect and especially not the business we work for or the
processes we adhere to. Yet, the stage is set and the cynical posture
along with the nagging tone, even accusatory stance got the hell on my
nerves big time. The disaster is so serious in this one part of the
business, and to convey it directly to an extreme knucklehead was a
total lost cause. Enough to make me want to walk out the doors, smoke
and drink. I couldn't though, one more task to complete, much more
important to the business and team. No matter, at least its almost
Friday.

Sorry, no foreigners allowed, but wait...

Thank god its Friday. My transition is physically complete, but
mentally I'm still in flux. This week I've had enough of the local
parasites around town. This one girl invited me into her bar last
weekend. Seemed friendly enough to have a foreigner like me until I
saw the bill; couple of drinks and a couple of hundred dollars later.
Shamefully went back for more of less, but came out with minimal
damage to the wallet. Well this 'nice girl' I met there started
calling me saying that she wanted to see me again. Ego and libido
aside, I'm thinking why not, better than frequenting a much lewder
establishment. Well, this guy who first granted my entrance sees me
approaching. Well as if he needs glasses, he bobs his head up and
down, and from side to side, while hastily approaching until certain
it was me. Well that girl was there again she says, oh its a
promotional night, just 3000 yen to get in. Well after a few drinks
and a lot of talking nonsense I know its time to go. But wait,
suddenly, it's 15000 yen... !!?? There she was, another "R-O-B" (rip
off bitch). Now its my fault, I should have known. These girls are
pros. Pros at getting Japanese guys to buy drinks and charge for
social while preying on they loneliness, general kindness, and lack of
sensibilities. But to prey on a gaijin like me left me feeling like a
total loser. I can't wait for the next time she sends me a message
hello. I'll be brief and frank, no thanks, I can get more and better
in life for free. Please just treat me like most Japanese do and
just say sorry, no foreigners allowed.