Rebound

Looks like a rebound is imminent.  I got my own apartment, got a new job that pays me to stay home. Independent. Job that rivals Japan is on the horizon.

Reset

Hey Jack Kerouac

Another ordeal not to be totally outlined here.

Just to say I evacuated Concord like 'Get Out'. And then got dismissed by East Boston. Along the way I discovered Atlanta and Memphis. Now opened minded for the entire country and the globe. 

I also dismissed my family and feel totally free. And I let Noriko go, she did too, totally mutual. Haven't been so alone in my entire life.

But one last gasp of hope are my skills, and getting great calls, but I must make a big move,... can't be helped. Home is not home and move somewhere else and simply be happy and productive. 

The Rich Man and Lazurus

Luke 16:19-31

9 “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day.

20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 
21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

22 “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 
23 In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 
24 So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’
25 “But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 
26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’
27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, 
28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’
29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’
30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’

31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’”

南無妙法蓮華経

What an Ordeal

or·deal

noun

1. a painful or horrific experience, especially a protracted one.

"the ordeal of having to give evidence"

synonyms: unpleasant experience, painful experience, trial,tribulation, nightmare, trauma, hell (on earth),misery, trouble, difficulty, torture, torment, agony

"the hostages survived the ordeal"

Transition

What a whirlwind.

From Yokohama, to Mitaka, to Inokashira Park, to Inokashira, back to Mitaka, to Boston. 

Screwed up by her, neglected, starved, rejected, evacuated. Stalked, walked, begged, starved, drank.

Rejected by my own, insulted, tolerated, evacuated.

Rejected by the localjpgov, begged, evacuated, totalled.

Evacuated, repatriated, assimilated, starved.

Accepted, by family, coops, friends, home. Sigh

Wolf Pack

20 years ago... same angst. Rise above all this.

Go Figure

Took too long to figure this out. Now that's me.

One month alienated, and my girlfriend M.I.A.

She likes it this way. Open this cage, this bird is going to fly free.

Deserted

Feeling like I'm on a desert island. The most stranded feeling I've ever had in my life. Living with my girlfriend who likes the idea I'm her hostage. Leading me on more than ever, owning me like I'm the fool in this relationship (which I am per my most recent tarot card reading). She's been mostly absent, and me stuck in her neighborhood, feeling like I'm stranded on a desert island. No contact with my friends, alienated from community. She asks why can't I be happy to be alone. Pretty sad time in my life, chance I will learn from this with deep certainty. Get back on my own feet and don't let a woman ever bring me down again.

Metropolis Feb 6 - 13

Too good to be true. Too bad too...

"You can feel good about what you're doing. You've tried and tried, putting your heart and soul into something very important. It's not quite time to feel total steadiness, but know the tide has turned in your favor. Use your quiet radar to pulse the latest signals. To say things are in flux is an understatement. Your courage leads the way, but your heart is the command center: Follow what you know to be true, even in the face of deception. Neptune, your ruler, handles both divine love and ultra duplicity. The resources you need are there when you stay on the path of truth, which, by the way, is changing every moment."

Lucid Dream

Archived my letters, threw away the envelopes. Watch an old home movie. Called my dad. Ate red chicken curry at midnight and had a lucid dream. Still in the process of throwing out clutter and old sentimental things that no one but I would care for.

Happy New Year

Please

Days of Reckoning

Time to take account for the disastrously placed bets and squandering of potential, due to arrogance, nativity and longing for the past.

Fallor ergo sum

been a while

been a while. bout to get back to reality...

Not such a Happy New Year greeting

Message to my sister, realistic and hopeful that this year will be better:

It must be getting cold on the East Coast. (record cold due to the Jan 2014 Polar Vortex) 

Wish you the best for the New Year. 

Rounding 50 I feel a bit sad. Like all that has been will continue to lead us to the rest of our lives. But with a lot less to offer ourselves, never mind everyone else depending on us. As if life and the people around us are sucking the life from us like parasites. I wonder how they have no shame, as if their lives are more important than ours.

Still unemployed I just want one last job, one last gasp, to allow me to land safely. Ex wife still camped out in my home, with me paying the bills, and no where to go without a job... it feels like she owns me. I want to walk away, and put her on her ass, but the girls will suffer to. I'm certain she's praying for me to fail, or die trying.

I get bitter. Why didn't we get any guidance when we were younger. Just a hint would have been nice. I think back to why I got married was because mom thought I was gay and wanted to prove her wrong... but it was wrong for her to suggest I was gay without any reason other than I wasn't doing what she and everyone expected.

Of course things could have been worse. But right now they seem like life everywhere for everyone is getting worse, and there isn't much society is offering to make ours better no matter how much we'd like to do better.

Sorry, not such a great Happy New Year's message... 

but saying so hoping something gives and this one will somehow miraculously be better than the last one... 

End Game

Game over actually. I never imagined I'd be one to admit defeat. 25 years of endless optimism and fast moves, always avoiding the inevitable dead end. Getting fired and having only one interview. Bored beyond belief along with my habitual benders had me on the ropes, on the edge. Stuck between where I landed and where I came from, marriage and my new girlfriend yet to want to be a finance. Girlfriend human as I am but not as conscious of it. So I'm back on my feet and trying to act out an earnest effort. Yet if I could have foreseen all this, I would have saved all my money and had a different scheme in mind. My ex-wife obviously set me up, and I'm left without a new play. How wonderful, pun intended. Looks like Game Over indeed, and I lose. But I never knew there was such a game being played in the first place.

I wonder

Metropolis today's weekly:

People are swimming in their own depths and thinking it has something to do with you. Since you have your finger on the pulse of the collective unconscious you are compassionate and caring. But you also have a right to your boundaries. If not everyone can match this awareness, accept it and move on. Mercury enters your relationship sector. Be discerning and save yourself. Have fun with your friends.

Gone Fishing

Had my last day at the office after 15 years with the firm. Today is my first official day of freedom. Dazed and confused. Hopefully my birthday horoscope is as promising as it sounds.

astrologyzone:

PRODUCTIVE TIMES!!!

An out of work for one year- PISCES born on February, trying to fight depression everyday seeks your frank answer as to when there will light on the horizon. An avid fan of your monthly forecast.

– June 23, 2013 7:01 PM Permalink

A.

SUSAN MILLER :

Dear Pisces, first of all I feel the February-born Pisces are awesome. So creative! Steve Jobs, Gloria Vanderbilt--so many who have just a fountain of creativity within. You can get assignments and projects as of the new moon August 6, more prestigious promotion in December. 

New horizons

I got laid off last Monday. A nice severance package, golden parachute, but one that won't pay until late next month. Even so, my anxieties have multiplied. And my escape paths have too. My current relationship and the future it portends continues to weigh on my heart and spirit like an anchor .

Michael Lutin June 3rd.

"When you hold a little baby, puppy or kitten in your arms, for that sweet moment you can forget all the cares, woes and sins of the world–not to mention your phobias or allergies. The ground beneath your feet may not be all that solid or stable right now, and while that's not great for sleeping, it is portends a future the seeds for which you are currently planting. You don't have a clear picture of yourself at the moment. You can't always see your talent, glamour, or imagination--- and that includes your ever present wish to escape from it all."

New Horizons

I got laid off. Met my recruiter. Hope multiplied by excitement. Met Tom and wonder what is real now and then. But great to see him nonetheless. My GF is late and was M.I.A. for a bit and wonder more than ever. But this train is like an express to the future with the money I was waiting for. Wow

Mr. Lutin:

Sign up for a spa day. Let yourself cry at a concert or film. Indulge in the areas that have been taboo to daily workaholic you. They're known as feelings. The more they flow this week, the further you will go. Wish fulfillment is part of a healthy soul. Consider what you are here to do and how your voice just became a form of currency. You are the embodiment of choices you make, less so the ones others make for you.

Page of Cups

Grounded for now, I simply can't afford to move. Tax accountant settlement will be complete on Monday. I stopped caring enough to check her phone but still have anxiety regarding her photos, all her friend connections and where this is leading. Relaxed my guard enough to go to travel together to Nagoya last week and Hiroshima tomorrow. But it is a tough balance. Work is not busy but I have to show up,... our industry doesn't sound very positive, challenges ahead.

Metropolis Pisces Thursday:

"There's nothing like a good shake-up to sharpen your senses. Know that the much awaited Pluto–Uranus square arrives Tuesday. Your inner need for expression and independence can clash with what's expected of you. The systems that no longer work are asking for more than ever. If you have an addictive love personality, pull back and stop giving more than you get. It's time to exist for the reason you came here."

Page of Cups revisited:

Be Emotional

be moved or touched

let your feelings show

respond to beauty

be sentimental or romantic

shed your detachment

let your heart lead the way

Be Intuitive

receive guidance from within

act on a hunch

remember your dreams

have a psychic experience

experience direct knowing

trust your gut reaction

Be Intimate

start or renew a love affair

meet someone you're attracted to

get closer to someone

go beyond formalities

have a special moment of togetherness

solidify a friendship

share something personal

Be Loving

make a thoughtful gesture

express sympathy and understanding

forgive yourself

forgive someone who has hurt you

apologize to someone you have hurt

reach out and touch someone

mend a broken relationship

brighten someone's day

respond with caring rather than anger

refuse to judge or condemn