Trip Counter, Reset

I've been on a quadruple of benders over the past year. A big stupid amount of squanderous behavior. Lots of times I know that I could have and should have taken the high road, but instead wallowed and sauntered down the low road. It has left me bankrupt both in terms of money and spirit. On another level, I'm a rising star, a force to be reckoned with in the business world. Unfortunately, the local and familiar has triumphed over the global and wondrous opportunities that abound. All that being said, I think I have a solution... regress, reset. The simplest pleasure I used to enjoy, like watching the road runner, riding the subway nowhere and everywhere. Reading at a library and enjoying the silence. I feel that there is a reason to be optimistic, and then some. The focus that got me where I am is still there, just buried under a lot of angst. But isn't that what has always driven me, crazy...? But relax, I found some solace in the most unusual places that I totally forgot about. Enough to get me to next spring. Get ready, set, RESET

Positive moves

No positive feedback yet. A bit of negative blocks here and there. But
at least I honest with those around me more or less. In contrast I
appeal to the better in spite of the losers throwing pebbles at me
just to keep what little future they have left intact. The upcoming
month will be a time to focus and see if I can not just tread water,
swim laps through the marathon at hand. Life please reward me with
someone special, don't tell me that I've already have been.

Suspicion, Slipping

Trying to keep my head up. However pretty obvious that the hidden agendas around me are quite formidable. Transparent obvious agendas, as if I weren't here, looking forward to the day that I'm not. No guarantee they'll be either. Per my recent twits,

• Dumb people are the most manipulative. We know better. They're desperately chasing our scraps, going through our garbage, parasites. 
• Oh how I hate two faced people. It is so hard to decide which face to slap first. 
• People I want to punch in the face. 

Now with all that said, the financial demands I've been under lately have not yielded, nor has the life that is racing around me, and me around it. So it feels like I'm slipping. But with some true will power, I need to rise above this.

Threshold barring that last one, a breaktrough

I feel I'm at a threshold. For the first time in quite a while. Both spiritual, day-to-day routine and finances. With a small sacrifice, I'm going somewhere soon. Will it be on my own, as a family or perhaps both. The notice is out, borderline yet safe. Not sound, but close. Chances are that with enough focus there will be positive results in both career and private life.

Survival Mode

This is about as difficult a time as I've experienced in quite a while. And it follows the typical pattern. First I wander and find an anonymous spot in the city. Then I get drunk enough to meet strangers. Later I'm led to a place with women, or by a woman to a place. The rest is ridiculously embarrassing. If I have cash I flash and play around then dash. If I have a card, they entice, swipe then fake for more cash. It doesn't happen often, but has over time happened often enough that I should know better. There are times when I black out. And other times when I emerge from a blackout and cruise the next level of disaster. February was one of those and March and April are screwed as a result. It is affecting those around me and in the recent natural disaster tragedy especially bad timing, which woke and sobered me up very quick. I'm crawling at a snail's pace waiting for the end of the April.

The rest of the story is there is some real potential around me, but the amount I've squandered leaves me at no chance to take advantage of any potential. And that is the vicious circle. I need to feign desperation and trust that life will allow me to participate in joy that it brings rather than me stopping low for cheap thrills from parasites and the like.

Quake Aftermath

I live in Tokyo and am fine. A few of us dared work from the office yesterday. Tuesday night there was a big aftershock and another yesterday afternoon, both close by, both 6.0. The rolling felt like it never stopped and our building was shaking then swaying off and on all day.

The nuke problem is getting increasingly worrisome. I hear the radiation level rose near Tokyo, but 'within safe levels' for now. I'm monitoring the U.S. Air Force and Navy bases nearby via radio and if I hear they start moving, I'm outta here too. 

Our company asked everyone to work remote until next week.

There's no gasoline, all the gas stations have since closed and we only have a half tank, supermarkets emptied, no batteries, bottled water, or toilet paper. Rolling blackouts, trains running sporadically, and a business downturn. Ok for now, but things just aren't looking too good.

Earthquake, tsunami and nuclear radiation; feels like I'm living through a science fiction movie. I imagine Godzilla may arrive sooner or later.

Depressed, cold, exhausted, fearful. Alcohol has no appeal.

Flashing life passing me by

These past two weeks have been the crueslest fun I've ever inflicted on myself. Wicked falls. Alcoholic poisoning. Robbed by bitches and thugs while passed out drunk. And returned for more with a glee for life as if I was about to die, and almost did. If death is akin to an alcoholic blackout then it must be something we won't know when the time comes. But living as a supernova, then crashing into my dipsomaniacal black hole　took weeks to recover, months more for my finances too. Risk still abounds. I think Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan must be my first cousins. Perhaps they are. Perhaps this is just living while we're alive. A fitful angst driven effort to be before not being undoes us all. undead for now. sign

The truth comes out

Yes, the truth comes out, like a time bomb. I say something, but can't say anything. When I do, the dam breaks, and everything I've ever done wrong, even if it was done right gets. Never doing enough, but when I do, never enough. She hates me. For what I've done, which I don't care. Rambling. My point, I know she wants me dead. Like over my dead body. Life is short, and she's gonna bury me good. A sadistic sinister bitch indeed. And when she does bury me, no doubt she'll smile thinking she was right all along, and grin that I can't defend myself in my wake.

Self Fulfilling Prophesy

There are times when my hopes and dreams hinge on fantasy and irrational beliefs. Yet, what got me to this point was exactly that, but with a lot more zeal and optimism. However, this time I'm wanting to go full circle and make sure that I guarantee for my own children leaving them safe and secure in a world much less so. Somehow in a miraculous way, keep my head up, hopes alive and make an effort towards the positive, while hedging on a benevolent wind to shore up my sails and lift me into the stratosphere, enough so to eventually rest and relax in peace, comfortably into old age and beyond with generations to follow.

Pray Happy Properous New Year

Time to redirect my energy into a more fulfilling life. Not an empty financial one. However it may be quite material, superficial and risky. But without that I'll continue to troll the streets at night as prey for the fallen. Changes on the social scene means nothing will go back to what it was and it will be a miracle if much any relationships outlast this. Lately I'm more worried about my family in the U.S. more than I am for myself, ridiculously so. To pass into the past beyond memory promotes a future present. sign