Quake Aftermath

I live in Tokyo and am fine. A few of us dared work from the office yesterday. Tuesday night there was a big aftershock and another yesterday afternoon, both close by, both 6.0. The rolling felt like it never stopped and our building was shaking then swaying off and on all day.

The nuke problem is getting increasingly worrisome. I hear the radiation level rose near Tokyo, but 'within safe levels' for now. I'm monitoring the U.S. Air Force and Navy bases nearby via radio and if I hear they start moving, I'm outta here too. 

Our company asked everyone to work remote until next week.

There's no gasoline, all the gas stations have since closed and we only have a half tank, supermarkets emptied, no batteries, bottled water, or toilet paper. Rolling blackouts, trains running sporadically, and a business downturn. Ok for now, but things just aren't looking too good.

Earthquake, tsunami and nuclear radiation; feels like I'm living through a science fiction movie. I imagine Godzilla may arrive sooner or later.

Depressed, cold, exhausted, fearful. Alcohol has no appeal.

Flashing life passing me by

These past two weeks have been the crueslest fun I've ever inflicted on myself. Wicked falls. Alcoholic poisoning. Robbed by bitches and thugs while passed out drunk. And returned for more with a glee for life as if I was about to die, and almost did. If death is akin to an alcoholic blackout then it must be something we won't know when the time comes. But living as a supernova, then crashing into my dipsomaniacal black hole　took weeks to recover, months more for my finances too. Risk still abounds. I think Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan must be my first cousins. Perhaps they are. Perhaps this is just living while we're alive. A fitful angst driven effort to be before not being undoes us all. undead for now. sign

The truth comes out

Yes, the truth comes out, like a time bomb. I say something, but can't say anything. When I do, the dam breaks, and everything I've ever done wrong, even if it was done right gets. Never doing enough, but when I do, never enough. She hates me. For what I've done, which I don't care. Rambling. My point, I know she wants me dead. Like over my dead body. Life is short, and she's gonna bury me good. A sadistic sinister bitch indeed. And when she does bury me, no doubt she'll smile thinking she was right all along, and grin that I can't defend myself in my wake.

Self Fulfilling Prophesy

There are times when my hopes and dreams hinge on fantasy and irrational beliefs. Yet, what got me to this point was exactly that, but with a lot more zeal and optimism. However, this time I'm wanting to go full circle and make sure that I guarantee for my own children leaving them safe and secure in a world much less so. Somehow in a miraculous way, keep my head up, hopes alive and make an effort towards the positive, while hedging on a benevolent wind to shore up my sails and lift me into the stratosphere, enough so to eventually rest and relax in peace, comfortably into old age and beyond with generations to follow.

Pray Happy Properous New Year

Time to redirect my energy into a more fulfilling life. Not an empty financial one. However it may be quite material, superficial and risky. But without that I'll continue to troll the streets at night as prey for the fallen. Changes on the social scene means nothing will go back to what it was and it will be a miracle if much any relationships outlast this. Lately I'm more worried about my family in the U.S. more than I am for myself, ridiculously so. To pass into the past beyond memory promotes a future present. sign

Wing and a prayer

Well, I'm grounded. Three cheers for stupid. That damn card. Ran it up and exhausted my play money for the next couple of months. I will be out of the picture for the winter. I wonder how I'll fair. I think I can focus on some reading. Or cleaning that room getting rid of things and organizing what little remaining in my life. The amount of money wasted was worth going on a trip somewhere or a nice purchase. Fleeting fun not forever frenzy. Selfish inconsiderate short sighted damage. Hell to pay.

Company Party

Will go to an unofficial company party tonight. It will be a bit angst driven since my wife will join me. The last time I went with someone was my ex-girlfriend which was a major scandal. It is taking a lot of courage to show up with her, and I imagine she'll be the center of attention. It may be a bit ridiculous on my behalf, or should I say better half. It will be nice for her to meet many of the people, and show up together in public, even though we never show up in private. Who knows, maybe it will spur some good karma that I need to make dig myself out of this hole.

This autumn, my finances have gone to hell, no fault but my own. Tomorrow I will know by how much.

Borderline

Things are lining up, but not perfect. I took a month off from the gym. A couple of dog bones are being thrown my way, like a small bonus and pay raise. Yet still on the heels of my recent impulsive breakdown. What followed was more time with my wish it were my ex-girlfriend. And guess what, she rocked me. I came three times back to back. Didn't even know that was possible. Funny she said, you see, there is nothing wrong with you. I totally agreed with her. Lately, the wind makes me hard, and I'm taking vitamins, ammo and gunpowder. Leading into the next few months, I think I may be a lot confident. A few workouts at the gym to channel my energy and save a bit of money, well, I might be really ready for whatever.

Might as well face it I'm looking for love

Weird. I'm bored. I have someone who likes me a lot. But it appears vain and manipulated. Totally strings attached. I realize that I'll have to be really serious about not getting involved any further. No matter how desperate and avoid entertaining a dangerous liaison. That being said, I feel that the horizon will bring someone who will rescue me from this petty drama. There is something wrong with what I've done this time, and I know it won't get much better next time. This post makes no sense, just a placesetter, and will report something positive in the future.

Broken and worried about it

Alas a week has passed. A night of major angst, and regret. Since then my spirit sank, my wallet empty, and health has suffered. This feels like the big one. Big enough for me to take steps to find out what is wrong with me. I'm afraid to know. But the point is right now, something feels extremely wrong. The autumn wind feels like it has snuffed out the last of my youth, but I'm the one who failed to get indoors. Like, I'm never going to feel young again. I just got old. But it feels like I could have simply died.