Days of Reckoning

Time to take account for the disastrously placed bets and squandering of potential, due to arrogance, nativity and longing for the past.

Fallor ergo sum

been a while

been a while. bout to get back to reality...

Not such a Happy New Year greeting

Message to my sister, realistic and hopeful that this year will be better:

It must be getting cold on the East Coast. (record cold due to the Jan 2014 Polar Vortex) 

Wish you the best for the New Year. 

Rounding 50 I feel a bit sad. Like all that has been will continue to lead us to the rest of our lives. But with a lot less to offer ourselves, never mind everyone else depending on us. As if life and the people around us are sucking the life from us like parasites. I wonder how they have no shame, as if their lives are more important than ours.

Still unemployed I just want one last job, one last gasp, to allow me to land safely. Ex wife still camped out in my home, with me paying the bills, and no where to go without a job... it feels like she owns me. I want to walk away, and put her on her ass, but the girls will suffer to. I'm certain she's praying for me to fail, or die trying.

I get bitter. Why didn't we get any guidance when we were younger. Just a hint would have been nice. I think back to why I got married was because mom thought I was gay and wanted to prove her wrong... but it was wrong for her to suggest I was gay without any reason other than I wasn't doing what she and everyone expected.

Of course things could have been worse. But right now they seem like life everywhere for everyone is getting worse, and there isn't much society is offering to make ours better no matter how much we'd like to do better.

Sorry, not such a great Happy New Year's message... 

but saying so hoping something gives and this one will somehow miraculously be better than the last one... 

End Game

Game over actually. I never imagined I'd be one to admit defeat. 25 years of endless optimism and fast moves, always avoiding the inevitable dead end. Getting fired and having only one interview. Bored beyond belief along with my habitual benders had me on the ropes, on the edge. Stuck between where I landed and where I came from, marriage and my new girlfriend yet to want to be a finance. Girlfriend human as I am but not as conscious of it. So I'm back on my feet and trying to act out an earnest effort. Yet if I could have foreseen all this, I would have saved all my money and had a different scheme in mind. My ex-wife obviously set me up, and I'm left without a new play. How wonderful, pun intended. Looks like Game Over indeed, and I lose. But I never knew there was such a game being played in the first place.

I wonder

Metropolis today's weekly:

People are swimming in their own depths and thinking it has something to do with you. Since you have your finger on the pulse of the collective unconscious you are compassionate and caring. But you also have a right to your boundaries. If not everyone can match this awareness, accept it and move on. Mercury enters your relationship sector. Be discerning and save yourself. Have fun with your friends.

Gone Fishing

Had my last day at the office after 15 years with the firm. Today is my first official day of freedom. Dazed and confused. Hopefully my birthday horoscope is as promising as it sounds.

astrologyzone:

PRODUCTIVE TIMES!!!

An out of work for one year- PISCES born on February, trying to fight depression everyday seeks your frank answer as to when there will light on the horizon. An avid fan of your monthly forecast.

– June 23, 2013 7:01 PM Permalink

A.

SUSAN MILLER :

Dear Pisces, first of all I feel the February-born Pisces are awesome. So creative! Steve Jobs, Gloria Vanderbilt--so many who have just a fountain of creativity within. You can get assignments and projects as of the new moon August 6, more prestigious promotion in December. 

New horizons

I got laid off last Monday. A nice severance package, golden parachute, but one that won't pay until late next month. Even so, my anxieties have multiplied. And my escape paths have too. My current relationship and the future it portends continues to weigh on my heart and spirit like an anchor .

Michael Lutin June 3rd.

"When you hold a little baby, puppy or kitten in your arms, for that sweet moment you can forget all the cares, woes and sins of the world–not to mention your phobias or allergies. The ground beneath your feet may not be all that solid or stable right now, and while that's not great for sleeping, it is portends a future the seeds for which you are currently planting. You don't have a clear picture of yourself at the moment. You can't always see your talent, glamour, or imagination--- and that includes your ever present wish to escape from it all."

New Horizons

I got laid off. Met my recruiter. Hope multiplied by excitement. Met Tom and wonder what is real now and then. But great to see him nonetheless. My GF is late and was M.I.A. for a bit and wonder more than ever. But this train is like an express to the future with the money I was waiting for. Wow

Mr. Lutin:

Sign up for a spa day. Let yourself cry at a concert or film. Indulge in the areas that have been taboo to daily workaholic you. They're known as feelings. The more they flow this week, the further you will go. Wish fulfillment is part of a healthy soul. Consider what you are here to do and how your voice just became a form of currency. You are the embodiment of choices you make, less so the ones others make for you.

Page of Cups

Grounded for now, I simply can't afford to move. Tax accountant settlement will be complete on Monday. I stopped caring enough to check her phone but still have anxiety regarding her photos, all her friend connections and where this is leading. Relaxed my guard enough to go to travel together to Nagoya last week and Hiroshima tomorrow. But it is a tough balance. Work is not busy but I have to show up,... our industry doesn't sound very positive, challenges ahead.

Metropolis Pisces Thursday:

"There's nothing like a good shake-up to sharpen your senses. Know that the much awaited Pluto–Uranus square arrives Tuesday. Your inner need for expression and independence can clash with what's expected of you. The systems that no longer work are asking for more than ever. If you have an addictive love personality, pull back and stop giving more than you get. It's time to exist for the reason you came here."

Page of Cups revisited:

Be Emotional

be moved or touched

let your feelings show

respond to beauty

be sentimental or romantic

shed your detachment

let your heart lead the way

Be Intuitive

receive guidance from within

act on a hunch

remember your dreams

have a psychic experience

experience direct knowing

trust your gut reaction

Be Intimate

start or renew a love affair

meet someone you're attracted to

get closer to someone

go beyond formalities

have a special moment of togetherness

solidify a friendship

share something personal

Be Loving

make a thoughtful gesture

express sympathy and understanding

forgive yourself

forgive someone who has hurt you

apologize to someone you have hurt

reach out and touch someone

mend a broken relationship

brighten someone's day

respond with caring rather than anger

refuse to judge or condemn

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

I realize how timeless this song is. I ended up following up on the photos and emails I found it it resulted in unfortunate news that I was fearful of (but not enough to probe). The end result is a woman carrying a torch for a famous person, doing anything not to admit to maintaining the relationship and the people around them during that time. Anything more are just tears, and denials. The pressure is on for me to get us an apartment and later marry with no questions asked. But at this point I'm ready to get a room of my own and say farewell. Quite sad actually... I really loved her.