This is about as difficult a time as I've experienced in quite a while. And it follows the typical pattern. First I wander and find an anonymous spot in the city. Then I get drunk enough to meet strangers. Later I'm led to a place with women, or by a woman to a place. The rest is ridiculously embarrassing. If I have cash I flash and play around then dash. If I have a card, they entice, swipe then fake for more cash. It doesn't happen often, but has over time happened often enough that I should know better. There are times when I black out. And other times when I emerge from a blackout and cruise the next level of disaster. February was one of those and March and April are screwed as a result. It is affecting those around me and in the recent natural disaster tragedy especially bad timing, which woke and sobered me up very quick. I'm crawling at a snail's pace waiting for the end of the April.
The rest of the story is there is some real potential around me, but the amount I've squandered leaves me at no chance to take advantage of any potential. And that is the vicious circle. I need to feign desperation and trust that life will allow me to participate in joy that it brings rather than me stopping low for cheap thrills from parasites and the like.
