Hibernation

The Dec 10 lunar eclipse was beautiful and epic. Now the winter solstice is upon us; Thursday December 22nd 0530. I plan to go to the Shinto shrine, pray, make an offering and ring the bell. My way of ringing in the New Year on Earth's natural holiday. This year I hope, with no definite certitude, to be pious reserved serious and focused. Hibernate my way through the next 3-months and wake up next March optimistic and happy. My routine may often seem like a waste of time, yet I'm welcomed in this superflous community that I orbit around. I'll pop my head in every now and then with minimal angst fulfilling the basic social needs we all have. At home I have a bit of pressure to deliver aimless adventures outside of town which I should be able to manage well. Early January I will stay at a cabin at Kawaguchiko near Mt. Fuji, again in mid-February too. Actually I need that very badly. I haven't left the Tokyo metro area in a year and a half, handicapped by the expense of rebuilding my home, while very comfortable, should have been since I haven't been able to go anywhere. After March I will be able to travel abroad with ease. 3-months feels like a long time, but if I diet, train at the gym and study, March will be even more rewarding. Of course I'll be letting my guard down passively cruising through life, so I'll add one more prayer, "please please please let me get what I want this time" (Ref: The Smiths).

Happy New Year!

Rage against reason

No fun at home. An insult by me injured her pretty severely. Kids are affected and begging me to make up for it. But that is what's going on. I can't say anything, do anything. I was wrong for what I said and did. But my reaction is just a frustration with passive aggressive manipulation. To do something nice for her just leads to more p-a behavior. I'm pretty bad too, and took advantage of a bad situation after that making it worse. Cold war without remorse, such an unbearable relationship. Life is too short to be so unhappy for so long.

Ogre, kind of true

....ruled by Neptune and Neptune NEVER allows you to stay mad forever. Could that be the damned reason that even after you've mustered up all your courage and dared to confront the ogre who has been oppressing you, you still get the idea that you should go on feeling compassionate and make nice? (but about being made forever, I don't think so... won't be that stupid)

Phew

Test results negative. Step one complete.
Step two, a real physical. I got the details just need to schedule.
Step 3, settle my taxes.
Step 4, settle my debt.

Fear angst wait

Made the trip to visit. Can't imagine the result of the test, can only fear it. Hope that a week from now I'll be treated well. Like having a baby and knowing if it will be a boy or a girl. The difference is that in this will learn how long will live or soon die. And is love forever lost, or on the horizon with a lot more confidence.

Hope comes alive

Will take courage. Step by step. First one this Thursday, second the following Thursday. Positive to reconcile. Please be well for now...

Vortex

Skidding towards my goal. Tragedy hit the family when an elder passed away. It wasn't a surprise, but sad nonetheless. Like a rainy day, it showed up during a financial drought. And due to more recent bad behavior, I'm all out for a while. Small reward my previous girlfriend showed up, like me crying out for help, wishing she was still there and I wouldn't have been out there chasing women for the past 4 years. Well suddenly she was back, and the tragedy provided a window of distraction and relief. Still overcoming all this is like travelling through a vortex. Mo money mo problems; no money problem. Batten down the hatches... Today might be September 5, but I'm looking forward to November 22 and the week afterward. I populated my calendar with scheduled time at the movies, studying language and physical training to get me through this. And of course focus on work too. Simple things to make me happy. Old comic books like Cloak and Dagger. Upcoming Japan releases Green Lantern, Fast Five, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Captain America. It is the weekend of November 22 that Cowboys and Aliens will release and The Three Musketeers the week after. By then I'll be in the black. And hopefully will be wholeheartedly beyond the angst driven life I've been living. Yet reading my previous posts, how many times have I said that before and backslid. The outlook remains positive. I'm not worried at all. Any angst hopefully my plans will get me through it without thinking too much.

Trip Counter, Reset

I've been on a quadruple of benders over the past year. A big stupid amount of squanderous behavior. Lots of times I know that I could have and should have taken the high road, but instead wallowed and sauntered down the low road. It has left me bankrupt both in terms of money and spirit. On another level, I'm a rising star, a force to be reckoned with in the business world. Unfortunately, the local and familiar has triumphed over the global and wondrous opportunities that abound. All that being said, I think I have a solution... regress, reset. The simplest pleasure I used to enjoy, like watching the road runner, riding the subway nowhere and everywhere. Reading at a library and enjoying the silence. I feel that there is a reason to be optimistic, and then some. The focus that got me where I am is still there, just buried under a lot of angst. But isn't that what has always driven me, crazy...? But relax, I found some solace in the most unusual places that I totally forgot about. Enough to get me to next spring. Get ready, set, RESET

Positive moves

No positive feedback yet. A bit of negative blocks here and there. But
at least I honest with those around me more or less. In contrast I
appeal to the better in spite of the losers throwing pebbles at me
just to keep what little future they have left intact. The upcoming
month will be a time to focus and see if I can not just tread water,
swim laps through the marathon at hand. Life please reward me with
someone special, don't tell me that I've already have been.

Suspicion, Slipping

Trying to keep my head up. However pretty obvious that the hidden agendas around me are quite formidable. Transparent obvious agendas, as if I weren't here, looking forward to the day that I'm not. No guarantee they'll be either. Per my recent twits,

• Dumb people are the most manipulative. We know better. They're desperately chasing our scraps, going through our garbage, parasites. 
• Oh how I hate two faced people. It is so hard to decide which face to slap first. 
• People I want to punch in the face. 

Now with all that said, the financial demands I've been under lately have not yielded, nor has the life that is racing around me, and me around it. So it feels like I'm slipping. But with some true will power, I need to rise above this.

Threshold barring that last one, a breaktrough

I feel I'm at a threshold. For the first time in quite a while. Both spiritual, day-to-day routine and finances. With a small sacrifice, I'm going somewhere soon. Will it be on my own, as a family or perhaps both. The notice is out, borderline yet safe. Not sound, but close. Chances are that with enough focus there will be positive results in both career and private life.

Survival Mode

This is about as difficult a time as I've experienced in quite a while. And it follows the typical pattern. First I wander and find an anonymous spot in the city. Then I get drunk enough to meet strangers. Later I'm led to a place with women, or by a woman to a place. The rest is ridiculously embarrassing. If I have cash I flash and play around then dash. If I have a card, they entice, swipe then fake for more cash. It doesn't happen often, but has over time happened often enough that I should know better. There are times when I black out. And other times when I emerge from a blackout and cruise the next level of disaster. February was one of those and March and April are screwed as a result. It is affecting those around me and in the recent natural disaster tragedy especially bad timing, which woke and sobered me up very quick. I'm crawling at a snail's pace waiting for the end of the April.

The rest of the story is there is some real potential around me, but the amount I've squandered leaves me at no chance to take advantage of any potential. And that is the vicious circle. I need to feign desperation and trust that life will allow me to participate in joy that it brings rather than me stopping low for cheap thrills from parasites and the like.

Quake Aftermath

I live in Tokyo and am fine. A few of us dared work from the office yesterday. Tuesday night there was a big aftershock and another yesterday afternoon, both close by, both 6.0. The rolling felt like it never stopped and our building was shaking then swaying off and on all day.

The nuke problem is getting increasingly worrisome. I hear the radiation level rose near Tokyo, but 'within safe levels' for now. I'm monitoring the U.S. Air Force and Navy bases nearby via radio and if I hear they start moving, I'm outta here too. 

Our company asked everyone to work remote until next week.

There's no gasoline, all the gas stations have since closed and we only have a half tank, supermarkets emptied, no batteries, bottled water, or toilet paper. Rolling blackouts, trains running sporadically, and a business downturn. Ok for now, but things just aren't looking too good.

Earthquake, tsunami and nuclear radiation; feels like I'm living through a science fiction movie. I imagine Godzilla may arrive sooner or later.

Depressed, cold, exhausted, fearful. Alcohol has no appeal.

Flashing life passing me by

These past two weeks have been the crueslest fun I've ever inflicted on myself. Wicked falls. Alcoholic poisoning. Robbed by bitches and thugs while passed out drunk. And returned for more with a glee for life as if I was about to die, and almost did. If death is akin to an alcoholic blackout then it must be something we won't know when the time comes. But living as a supernova, then crashing into my dipsomaniacal black hole　took weeks to recover, months more for my finances too. Risk still abounds. I think Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan must be my first cousins. Perhaps they are. Perhaps this is just living while we're alive. A fitful angst driven effort to be before not being undoes us all. undead for now. sign

The truth comes out

Yes, the truth comes out, like a time bomb. I say something, but can't say anything. When I do, the dam breaks, and everything I've ever done wrong, even if it was done right gets. Never doing enough, but when I do, never enough. She hates me. For what I've done, which I don't care. Rambling. My point, I know she wants me dead. Like over my dead body. Life is short, and she's gonna bury me good. A sadistic sinister bitch indeed. And when she does bury me, no doubt she'll smile thinking she was right all along, and grin that I can't defend myself in my wake.

Self Fulfilling Prophesy

There are times when my hopes and dreams hinge on fantasy and irrational beliefs. Yet, what got me to this point was exactly that, but with a lot more zeal and optimism. However, this time I'm wanting to go full circle and make sure that I guarantee for my own children leaving them safe and secure in a world much less so. Somehow in a miraculous way, keep my head up, hopes alive and make an effort towards the positive, while hedging on a benevolent wind to shore up my sails and lift me into the stratosphere, enough so to eventually rest and relax in peace, comfortably into old age and beyond with generations to follow.